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Thursday Night Teevee Turkey Soup

Turkey soup almost as good as mom's.

Thanksgiving dinner was always something I suffered through in order to get to the thing I loved most two days later: Turkey Bone Soup. The recipe was never embellished or improvised; you boiled the turkey carcass with onions and celery tops, then labored to separate the meat from the bones as the family Schnauzer wistfully observed, then added some more onions and celery and a bunch of rice to the pot for the final simmer.

So now that this cooking game is in my ball park, I circumvent the whole Thanksgiving dinner thing any time I feel like it. Several of my friends who are daunted by cooking in general have learned to make this recipe and though I like to act like this is some kind of holy family secret just to impart a little glamour to the proceedings, it's really pretty easy. With my own modifications, it is amazingly cheap, low in fat, refrigerates and microwaves well, and is really tasty.

(I also have added the convenience of using the television instead of a timer as the "stupid" component of the recipe.)

INGREDIENTS:
2 or 3 turkey thighs
a wad of celery with leafy tops
two good-sized onions
a can of chicken broth
Pearl Barley (or rice)
green herb-ish things
A big beer
A big soup pot, big colander, big bowl
A big television
A Barcalounger or equivalent

At the grocery store, buy turkey thighs either fresh or frozen. If you get turkey breast you'll pay a fortune, and legs are full of tendons and take forever to pick clean. Thighs are a great bargain. Two or three per pot will do. This seems like a lot of turkey, but it tends to disappear during the cutting up stage. 6:00 p.m:. Go to the grocery store and pick up the ingredients. For health reasons, be sure you get both your turkey and your Moosehead Beer ice cold.
Put some water in a soup pot. Remove the skin from the turkey and put it in the pot. Cut the wad of celery in half and toss in the leafy weird parts. Cut an onion into a few big pieces and pile that on. Toss in a bunch of green herbs; just smell the little jars and decide if you think it goes with turkey. (I like sage and basil and oregano, but have been told that only degenerates combine herbs by color). 7:00: Switch on "Wheel of Fortune" which you don't really have to watch. Just remember that you're not really learning anything constructive from this dumbest of game shows, except how long half an hour is, and how many people actually have trouble completing "_NE NATI_N UNDER G_D."
Cook the soup on medium-low for about an hour. Cut up the rest of the celery and another onion and set this aside. 7:30: You'll cry profusely from the onions, tears which may actually coincide with one of Alex Trebek's more moving categories like 19th Century Fishing Lures or Antiseptics of the Northern Hemisphere. Drink your beer. Leap up during the "Friends" closing credits and run back to the kitchen.
Put the colander in a big bowl and pour the whole cookpot into it. It's hot as a three-dollar pistol, so wait a few minutes, then pour the liquid back into the soup pot, and add some more water. Put the turkey on a cutting board, and discard all the limp vegetation from the colander. 8:35: Okay, okay. Even if you move pretty fast, you'll miss the first few minutes of "Jesse," which is really no loss. Take your cutting board and turkey to the teevee tray in front of the Barcalounger.
Cut the turkey up in smallish pieces. Try not to eat too much of it and save the bones for chewing on later. Toss the meat back in the pot. 8:40: This step takes a while if you really get into it.
Add a can of chicken broth if you wish. Add a quarter cup of pearl barley. This stuff expands like you wouldn't believe, so don't add more thinking how much you like barley and how much turkey is in the pot, or you'll wind up with stew or even gruel. Cook for another hour. 8:45: By the middle of "Jesse" you should have a heap of turkey pieces. You can leave the teevee set before the end because I can tell you the ending of the show. They want to have sex but there's a coy obstacle like a kid or a housefire. Oh, sorry. Did I ruin it for you? "Frasier" and "Stark Raving Mad" are about to start so make haste with the can opener.
If you believe in meals with more than one food in it, you could be doing something about biscuits and salad during the commercials. During the various commercial breaks and dumb parts, tear up some lettuce, put on some biscuits, put the napkin rings on the fine linen, and adorn the Teevee Tray with a proper place setting.
The soup will be done when the barley is. 10:00: Have a nice big bowl and watch "ER."