Another Modest Proposal.

Lakefront residents of Seattle and nearby communities have been whining lately about the problem of an ever increasing population of resident Canada geese. These geese have got it so good here that they don't bother to migrate. Are you kidding? The weather is mild, the lakes never freeze up, there's plenty of food, few predators, and we silly humans think the newly-hatched goslings are so darned cute that we don't exterminate 'em like the vermin that they are.

Honestly, in the fall you can watch the geese congregate on the lake: they get all migratorily twitchy, milling about and honking patriotically. They take to the air, assuming the familiar V-formation, and fly about a couple hundred yards south. Then they circle back and land right back where they started, apparently having reconsidered.

The geese have been accused of rendering local grassy waterfront parks unfit for rolling around on the grass, or any other springtime activity. They have been blamed for high coliform bacteria counts in the water adjacent to beaches, making it unsafe for swimming.

To be fair, if you were to give me the choice of taking a hearty draught out of a hypothetical Lake Washington without geese, or without people, I'd risk a mouthful of human-free lake over any other alternative. As long as CSOs (combined sewer overflows) dump untreated sewage directly into Lake Washington and the adjacent Ship Canal during heavy rains, I don't see how we can fault the geese for pooping in the water. And the pesticides used to maintain lush green lawns both public and private that border these waters do far more damage than anything organic leaving a goose.

I am a member of the Lake Washington Rowing Club (in fact, almost all the correspondents of this cyber-rag have connections with the club; it is in fact a conspiracy), and we, along with anyone else who dabbles around in small boats launched from low docks, can speak volumes about the heartbreak, disgust, and general annoyance of having all our athletic socks stained permanently a drab shit green on their soles, and of finding green stuff under our fingernails during dinner. And when the geese moult (twice annually) and cannot fly, they just hang around on said low docks for a couple of weeks and, well, shit, shed feathers and repeat....

What, then, must we do?

• One: Reintroduce predators. River otters, weasels, bobcats, coyotes, wolves, and raccoons used to feed on the geese and/or their young. We still have plenty of raccoons, but they've discovered the joy and ease of dumpster-diving, and I doubt they'll ever return to their wild diet.
• Two: Train dogs to drive 'em off the beaches. They're already doing this at a few sites in Bellevue, and upscale community on the east side of Lake Washington. Of limited effectiveness, this project will last exactly five minutes after one of the dogs actually succeeds in catching and eviscerating one of said fowl in front of little Trevor and Ashley.
• Three: Eat the geese. Feed the Homeless. Add cassoulet to the menu at Ivar's, the local touristy seafood joint. No, it would be better to roast 'em on the beach, right in front of their living relatives. You can't be too subtle with geese: they've got brains the size of grapes.
• Four: Make pillows. Send those tourists back to Kansas, Kyoto, and Koln with an authentic Seattle goose-down pillow or quilt.
• Five: Consider those umbrellas with the wooden duck-head handles that are sold at all the tourist traps.
• Six: Play badminton with the goslings. I don't mean to teach them the game. They'd make great shuttlecocks.
• Seven: Take away their dual citizenship: send 'em back to Canadia!
• Eight: We're open to suggestions. Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're no fun!

Dave McBee plies the waters of Lake Union almost every day in a sculling boat. He mistakenly thinks this makes him a babe magnet..