Now you, too, can say wicked things in French like Talia.

For all things Parisian and fashionable, count on Tout Paris and Get Lost Magazine's Talia to steer you... well, somewhere interesting.

Come summer, most of us rejoice at the idea of going on vacation and forgetting everyday turmoils be getting a "change of air". But sometimes this long-awaited "change" can be unexpectedly disappointing. That's why I've decided to help you enjoy your vacation to the max (note, however, that one's maximum can be someone else's minimum).

A. No matter what, you'll be ripped off by your travel agent, so we can skip this one.

B. Avoid going on a crash diet three days before you leave, because you'll only be hungry and in a bad mood, not svelte and radiant (so spare eveyone any mood swings). Once you arrive to your destination, you'll probably compensate by pigging out on bad tourists-will-eat-anything food (see H). And you won't fit into your new bathing suit. And you don't want to get back home seven pounds heavier. And ill. So just stick to what you normally eat.

C. Avoid going pre-vacation shopping with the conviction that you've got NOTHING to wear in your filled-to-the-brim closet. Do you really need that hot pink studded Lycra dress or those 5-inch psychedelic platform shoes at a seaside resort? Unless you're a drag queen and/or going to Ibiza, don't try to be the center of uncalled for attention by looking tasteless. Affirm your own style in a simple, elegant way, not by making a spectacle of yourself (unless you like to be pointed at).

D. Don't pack three suitcases (see E). You're only going on a 15-day vacation, not moving there. If you remove all that's unnecessary, you'll only have half a suitcase left. Also, don't take an extra empty suitcase as a result of fantasies - brought on by your travel agent - involving wonderful shopping trips, because "over there, everything's sooo cheap!" Once you take a good look around, you'll probably exclaim, "What a rip-off! Everything's sooo expensive!"

E. Pack simple, easy-to-wear clothes. This isn't a good time to make radical changes in style. For example, don't take three sexy and revealing outfits because you think you'll meet Mr. Right (see I). Natural can also be sexy. You also don't need five different eyeshadows, three blushers and ten lipsticks (see D and previous sentences of E). The 80's look is, let's be frank, not too attractive. As for accessories, when and where are you going to wear all that jewelry and heavy-enough-to-lengthen-your-earlobes earrings? Repeat the following magic sentence before packing: "This is a seaside resort, not a low-budget fashion show." (Other magic sentences coming up)

F. Don't promise postcards you'll never send (especially to people you only see every twice in a blue moon). If you already have made such a rash promise, prepare a good list of excuses in case you don't send any. Here are some examples for those who lack imagination:

1. I forgot your address / I left my address book at home (Do not use this excuse if you want to have any friends left).

2. I couldn't find the post office.

3. The post office was closed (personnel on vacation, national holiday).

4. They haven't discovered the postal service yet (trust me, you'll always find someone to believe this one).

5. I was sick the whole time...must have been that spicy local dish.

6. The postcards were ugly.

7. They didn't sell any postcards / They were all sold-out...major national dilemma.

8. I had an awful vacation, so there was no point in sending postcards (try to look distressed, and don't smile too much). And my personal favorite,

9. "What? You mean you didn't get it?! I sent it the second day I was there. They have an awful postal service. They really ought to do something about it."

G. Try not to act over-enthusiastic about everything your first day there; you might be in for a disappointment (or two) in the coming days. Examples of over-zealous behavior include exclaiming, "Oh! This place is so perfect! I wish I could live here all year round." This will get your hopes up so high that by the third day, when reality hits, you'll be wanting to leave (and homesickness won't be the cause) and saying things like, "Everyone's so rude. No one smiles. Everyone smells. The food is awful." You suddenly begin to like all the things that you despise in your own homeland. Magic sentence: "Utopias are utopias."

H. Time to eat now. Don't go to too many overpriced (conveniently, for the tourist season) restaurants which hire underpaid cooks. Avoid "exotic" dishes, especially if you can't find the English equivalent of its ingredients in the dictionary. Magic sentence: "Experimenting with UFO's (Unidentified Food Objects) can have some undesirable surprises."

I. If you go to a night club, avoid the ultra- sexy- tourist- looking- for- Mr.- local- Right look. It might be intrepreted as vulgar- tourist- looking- for- a- good- time. So don't let your clothes do the talking.

J. Communication may be a problem if you don't speak the native language. Don't expect the locals to know yours fluently; it's also up to you make an effort. But don't carry a pocket dictionary everywhere you go - you'll look like a typical confused tourist look, the kind that con artists love. Make the effort to learn some key phrases in the local language. There's no use, however, in learning how to ask for the local Lampshade Designers' Association, the post office (see F) or the location of a museum which you have no intention of visiting. I also wouldn't suggest acting -and showing off to other fellow tourists - as if you were a local or knew the city inside out. Get real; two sentences won't fool anyone. And remember, jumping up and down with excitement when you meet someone from your own country is "very tourist", especially when you begin criticizing your host country (see magic sentence G). Two magic sentences: "My language isn't the official language of the earth" and "I will not put down this country in front of other newly-arrived tourists".

K. Save the oohs and aahs when you visit local sites or museums. On the other hand, avoid acting serious as if you're an expert on the ancient native artform, whereas in reality, you'd much rather be at the beach. And your oohs and aahs gradually turn into huffs and puffs.

L. The beach is a place to relax and have fun, so take along items relevant to beach life. If you want something to read, take a novel or a magazine (avoid reading John Locke's 'An Essay Concerning Human Understanding' on vacation). Don't drag a huge picnic basket filled with enough food for yourself, your family and Gilligan and his fellow castaways. Don't sunbathe until you look like an agricultural phenomenon, a giant tomato. Discomforts would include skin peeling and a feeling of lousiness resulting from pain and some feelings of unattractiveness. You'll want to stay in your room until it's time to go home.

M. There are many reasons why you may want to confine yourself to your room. These may include trying to avoid someone, a broken heart (Mr. Local Right isn't interested), dislike of the country, tourista (which is understandable) and homesickness (after spending months - and money - planning a vacation).

Magic sentence: "I will enjoy myself as best I can." If you find that you would be incapable of following these simple yet Golden Rules of Tourism, then do yourself and everyone else a favor - stay home!

Talia Soghomonian moved back to Paris and can answer any questions you have on Europe as she settles back in to Parisian life.