As a former newsletter contributor, I was recently bribed with some three-month-old Christmas cookies into again contributing a piece.

"But I don't row anymore," I mentioned. "And I don't like these little silver beebee things in the frosting - "

" - Why, you ungrateful hack writer of yet unsold theatrical film scripts!" I was told. "Who gave you your start in unpaid professional writing? Us! And who endured two and a half years of silly stories full of inflammatory fol-de-rol? Us! Your tolerant readership!"

Humbled, I sat down to put electron to phosphor. However, there was a problem: finding real subject matter that I didn't have to invent.

The most I've had to do with rowing in the past two or three years has been taking Coach Frank Cunningham's Wonderful Words of Wisdom and making them appear on paper for an upcoming book. And so I decided that cheap and biased book reviews of the competition were proper and in order.

MOSES WAS JUST WARMING UP.

First we begin our series with a shameless plug of our upcoming (and eagerly awaited) new book, as yet untitled because we keep arguing over it. Watermanship, we shall call it for now, by Francis Cunningham, is the classic future reference volume on sculling and rowing which takes the novice through the steps of self-discovery to the fine points of the confident stroke. Nowhere is there mention of training, or VO max, or things like that, on top of which, the author has wisely resisted the pressure to include the Strom All-Hershey Training Diet, which brought her so much success at regattas as a lane marker. Regardless, the book has much to offer both the novice and experienced rower.

With beautiful line illustrations throughout by Laurie Cunningham, and much of the gruff ramblings we so love having been painstakingly removed by "Sea Kayaker" editor-in-chief Chris Cunningham, it is briskly paced, highly informative, and marvelously literary, no thanks to Yours Truly, Editor, who lost the fight to keep in a chapter called "Boathouse Fun With WD-40."

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I give this book a rating of three and a half puddles (out of four possible puddles in our biased rating system), because it's not finished yet.

YOU CAN TELL A BOOK BY ITS COVER.

Our next book review is of a recent offering, notable in that it implies that one can use an open water rowing boat for touring, where most sane people would use a kayak or a 60 foot motor cruiser. Long Strokes, by Bruce Brown (1988, Highmark Publishing Ltd.) shows pictures on the cover of one person about to row somewhere wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. The other cover guy, wearing the ever-present silly pants, appears to be hurling himself onto the oars in a gruelling fashion.

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I give this book three puddles, because if one is going somewhere with a great deal of energy, especially if sweating copiously, one should make it worthwhile by carrying payload, preferably food.

ANGST AMONG THE IVIES

One of my favorite books on rowing is The Shell Game, by Stephen Kiesling (1982, Contemporary Books) which really isn't about rowing at all, but is a frequently amusing personal tale of passage. The book might be a useful gift from a rower to the uninitiated loved one, because it will offer a glimpse into the obsessive personality most of us have exhibited at one time or another in our rowing careers.

My favorite thing Kiesling ever wrote was a magazine article years ago about a rowing regatta he happened upon in Ireland, which he decided to attend, only to discover that the finalists in the dory races were deliberately losing their heats because all the beer would be gone before the finals.

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This book gets three puddles, for a great first chapter on trading Olympic souvenirs with the Soviets.

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, BUDDY

Christopher Chant's book Rowing For Everyone (1977, David and Charles, Inc.) has a large selection of pictures of tortured people in boats, the cover photograph being a study in bad posture. One boys pair looks like a team of patient vultures, and is shamed by a fabulous girls pair two lanes over. The entire book is redeemed by the following philosophy:

Page 15, the picture with caption, "A pint at the clubhouse bar at the end of the day. A good social life, lasting right through the year, is one of rowing's biggest rewards." Needless to say, this book is British. In fact, as I recall from my brief and confusing days with Thames Rowing Club, much of the club membership didn't know a thole pin from a shoelace, they just hung out at the Club bar with some Guinness, corned beef pie, and a fist full of darts. If you were too wet or sweaty from rowing, you had to stay outside with the boats.

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Three puddles for lots of quaint and dated photographs, and for being British, and therefore superior.

AND IN CONCLUSION...

So that is my book review for now. Next, I tackle those books larger than 9" x 7", because I have been promised some old Valentine's Day candy.

May's book reviews prompted such a rush to the bookstores by LWRC's loyal readers, that Bob from Bob's Big House of Discount Reading Material requests that you purchase the books featured in this column, rather than just snicker at the cover pictures as I did. Bob keeps a big torque wrench behind the cash register that he shows to kids who dwell too long at the comic book rack.

And so I now dedicate myself to the review of books on rowing that are larger than 9" x 7". The promised payment of Valentine's day candy arrived last week from Stuckey's, a name that lends itself well to taffy-based foods and how they interact with your less secure fillings. I've got a new motto for them: "It's the thought that counts." (The chalky little Valentine message hearts that said "Grow Up, Willya?" and "Get A Job" were a big hit at my Confidence Builders group, too. Thanks, Mom.)

YOUR HAPPINESS IS ALL THE THANKS I NEED...

But first, another shameless plug for Frank Cunningham's fabulous new upcoming book on rowing, now tentatively titled What Makes Boats Go, and Other Gardening Tips.

Its Editor is so impoverished from pre-publication expenses that she had to recycle her beloved copy of "The Best of Gene Pitney" as a computer backup tape, which really garbles "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," so when the opportunity arises, please buy an advance copy. Thank you.

(Now, that really was shameless. Fact is, I am generously rewarded with herring and malt balls on a regular basis, which fuel my efforts quite nicely.) Publication date, by the way, will be very early 1992. We'll be hand-stitching each book signature by hand with linen we harvest ourselves, and these things take time (and more than a little spit).

KIESLING STRIKES AGAIN

Stephen Kiesling, author of The Shell Game, has tackled open-water rowing in his second book this century. One local merchant of open water shells (Tim Shrub, not his real name) got himself a copy and comments that Kiesling overlooked the West Coast scene in favor of East Coast open water sculling pioneers. I guess it's Kiesling's book and he can overlook what he wants, but I do have to agree with the Nameless Merchant in that it is a pity he missed the chance to mention the time one of our own LWRC members was unloading a double wherry for the Cross Sound race at Alki and got stuck under it when she discovered it was too heavy to press over her head. Poor thing just stood there like a tripod, boat on her head like some kind of hat for Bad Nuns. Sorry to say, her doubles partner, who will remain nameless for sure, laughed so hard it took some time to rescue her from her unexpected plight. Now there's book material for you.

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This book gets three puddles, because it reminds you of the expanded horizons of rowing... comforting when someone at the boathouse tells you not to go too far with that woody or you might hit a ripple and sink it.

THE ONE WHO MAKES THE MOST MONEY ON ROWING DOESN'T ROW.

Another classic of the genre is The Amateurs by journalist David Halberstam. The author whipped out this one between longer New York Times Best Sellers, and to his amazement turned out, you guessed it, another New York Times Best Seller. Now, really, if you look at the non-fiction books on said List, you know that even a mensch like Halberstam didn't have a tough scramble to the top against the likes of The Zen of Cheesemaking and Khaddafi's Tailor: One Man's Nightmare, but I liked it all the same.

It's the account of a bunch of guy rowers trying to get to the Olympics and includes quite a few local luminaries like John Biglow and Paul Enquist. In his research before the Olympics Halberstam stuck with the favorites and sort of overlooked the underdogs, and so Enquist gets a really teeny chapter, even after an Olympic gold medal in men's doubles. I'd love to be Halberstam's bookie.

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I give the book three puddles, because, you may have noticed, everyone gets three puddles, except for the book I've been plugging. Anything less would be meaningful.

WE'RE READY!

Ready All! George Yeoman Pocock and Crew Racing, by Gordon Newell, wins the prize for Biggest Book, Longest Title, and Coolest Middle Name. George's own wonderful musings are peppered all through the book, and he is very eloquent. In fact, so is Stan. I don't know why this surprises me so much, but finding rowers this eloquent is as shocking as being told that Al Mackenzie hands out Scooter Pies to his dental patients. But Ready All! is a good and pleasant read. Save it for cold winter nights in front of the foghorn. Have some tea and toast, prop your feet up on the gunwales, and enjoy.

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This one gets three puddles, for being of local interest, and for having some pictures of Stan Pocock with dark hair.

AND IN CONCLUSION...

There's an earless chocolate Easter bunny out there with my name on it, and so next month, because our lips are tired from reading all those rowing books, we bring you an even more tasteless literary effort. Stay tuned.