Go with the flow

With one meaty arm resting on a plastic paddle and a lifejacket puffed out over the barrel-like bulk of his chest, Captain Lukose Francis stands like a rooster on the river bank, his chin jutting imperiously at the crowd of local boys who’ve poured down to the shore to gawk. He looks every inch the rugged adventurer, fresh from some death-defying feat of exploration. A crossing of the Arabian Sea by canoe perhaps, or maybe a solo circumnavigation of the Antarctic ice sheets.

Not quite. But he has valiantly steered a vessel made from nine sticks of bamboo and three inner tubes through the rain-swollen rapids of the Thuthapuzha River. And he’s done it while manhandling the weight of a mutinous crew, who’ve spent the first half of the trip figuring out which way round to hold our oh-so-rustic bamboo oars, and the rest of it filling them up with water to tip over each others’ heads.

Welcome to the not-so-extreme sport of monsoon rafting, Kerala style. The Thuthapuzha may be the wildest tributary of one of South India’s most storied rivers – the much-mythologised Nila – but in a proper rubber raft its rapids would struggle to rate Grade One. Yet when your feet are braced against bamboo struts lest they get crunched by submerged rocks, and when even the gentlest riffle can slosh up through the inner tubes to give your nether regions a complete soaking, this most primeval form of river travel gives you a joyous sense of not just floating along on top of a river, but actually flowing along in it.

The credit for rejuvenating the formula of wood plus rope plus something buoyant equals a sodden good time belongs to Gopi Parayil, a native of the banks of the Nila. Gopi experienced an epiphany when he returned from London to tend his ailing father, and found his beloved river to be faring no better herself.

“We believe that bathing in the Nila frees the soul of its liabilities,” he explains, as we gaze out across a sluggish, sandbank-lined reach of the river. It’s the third week of July, supposedly the peak of India’s southwest monsoon, and still the river barely manages to cover its sandy bed. “It broke my heart that there was hardly enough water in the river for my dad to take a dip.”

Its modest 290-kilometre length utterly belies the place the Nila holds in Kerala’s spiritual and cultural life. Many of the state’s signature performing arts have been fostered along its banks, from the outlandishly costumed solo dance spectacle of Thullal to the cacophonous classical music that soundtracks lavish temple festivals like Thrissur’s Pooram.

In the village of Cheruthuruthy, Gopi leads me through the leafy grounds of the Kerala Kalamandalam, a university for the performing arts, where the drummers, temple dancers and Kathakali artists of tomorrow study their art in open-sided classrooms. It all feels very industrious and idyllic. Yet just as the river has come under assault from sand miners, dams and deforestation, the Nila’s culture is fighting its own battle for survival. Youngsters, lured to the city by the chance of a lucrative IT or call-centre career, are no longer willing to accept the often impoverished life their parents may have endured in the name of art.

“Kids need modern education, but that doesn’t mean you need to say no to what you know,” Gopi tells me. “Once you lose what you’ve inherited, you can’t make it again on a day-to-day basis.” Hence his mission: to rebuild pride in traditional culture and prove to local families that the old ways, activated by the participation of interested travellers, can still carry an economic imperative. That’s why the next morning, rather than loading into a standard-issue imported rubber raft, I find myself sawing and chopping and lashing together lengths of bamboo – bought from local growers at rates that make them sit up and take notice – while Captain Lukose carves away at a pair of elegant, organic oars. Once the inner tubes are made fast to the frame, and with a bag of jackfruit chips lashed on for sustenance, the Bamboo Pearl is ready to set sail. Grabbing a corner each, we heave her into the shallows then paddle hard for the middle of the river, where the current sweeps us up.


To call the Thuthapuzha a raging torrent would be to somewhat stretch the point. For the most part it bubbles along merrily, occasionally breaking into a canter where the river runs over submerged rocks, at other times slowing to an ooze and offering the chance to flop over the side for a swim. At one point the sky goes black and a moist monsoonal wind whips up white horses, forcing us to paddle madly into the teeth of a majestically intense downpour that stings our cheeks and makes the water around us fizz like acid.

It soon becomes evident the Bamboo Pearl has the potential to be a perfect raiding vessel. Several times we drift out from behind a boulder or a clump of trees to startle a half-undressed woman standing in the shallows beating the stuffing out of her sari. One elder casts an unimpressed eye over our vessel; she’s seen our like before, when real-life pirates swooped in on a similar bamboo raft and stole all her ducks.

The Pearl enters a tunnel of dark forest, and a group of children run to the riverbank and begin singing to us. Lukose sings back, leading them down the river like a waterborne Pied Piper. The rest of us are so absorbed in the lilting melody and the beauty of the scene that we momentarily let our oars drag in the water. Our leader turns around to sternly admonish us: “I sing. You paddle!” A stocky, bronzed water buffalo that’s mooched down to the shore for a quiet drink shoots us an offended look.

Just when the trip is in danger of becoming too languid for its own good, the stone bridge at Thootha lumbers into view, accompanied by the ominous roar of what sounds like a mini Niagara. Lukose, shoulders tensing, motions that we need to shoot for the middle arch. But we’re hopelessly off course to the right, the current quickening with every second, and a crowd of onlookers begins to gather on the bridge, eagerly waiting to see us get smashed to pieces against the piers.

Suddenly the crew of the Bamboo Pearl meshes together. Spearing our oars into the rollercoaster waves we pull desperately towards the centre channel, groaning and swearing like a team of navvies digging a ditch, as the stone pillars loom menacingly close. With seconds to spare the boat catches the current funnelling under the main span, and our howls of triumph echo off the walls of the Gates of Deliverance, dampened not at all by the tidal waves of muddy brown water erupting from under the floor. The crowd on the bridge stays mute; it’s not every day you get to see a raftload of foreigners chomped to bits, and we’ve cruelly denied them.

Sore and blistered but triumphant, we row the brave Bamboo Pearl to the left bank and haul her out of the water, to be greeted by a volley of questions from the lungi-bedecked welcoming committee. Where have we come from? What are we doing here? Have we, perchance, any ducks for sale?

As for the boat, like a bamboo Titanic, her maiden voyage is also to be her last. As Gopi and Lukose squash the air out of the inner tubes, a couple of local guys shoulder the bamboo frame off down the street – perhaps to be turned into scaffolding or firewood, or maybe, just maybe, to be treasured as an heirloom and displayed to the wondering eyes of grandchildren for generations to come.

That evening we’re invited to a feast of spicy dal and flaky flatbreads in the grounds of an old Keralite mansion outside Arangottukara. The house belongs to a member of the Vayali folklore group, who got together in 2003 to revive the songs and dances native to their rice-growing villages.

As the purple clouds of a monsoon dusk slowly fade to black, Vayali’s singers – porters and labourers during the day, gods and goddesses of the paddy field by night – unleash a sequence of rustic and hypnotic campfire songs, each one delivered by a choir of soaring voices to the accompaniment of the staccato boom-tap of the chenda (drum). Then, as raindrops spit into the dust, the ferocious demon Dharika, dressed for battle with a serrated brass moustache, squares off against the goddess Kali, herself resplendent in a crown of palm fibre arrows, frilly shoulder pom-poms and a metre-long beak fashioned from coconut palm.


Bare-chested drummers strike up a rhythm as the combatants begin to circle; Dharika’s blackened eyes wear an expression that verges on psychotic, as though his eyeballs have flipped inside out to gaze inward at some unseen horizon. As the drumming rises to a crescendo, the dancers lunge at each other, the homemade swords in their hands flashing wildly, forcing those of us in the ring of spectators to lurch backwards to save our skins. It’s a raw and wild spectacle, and a far cry from the predigested tourist-friendly product that passes for cultural performance in more travelled parts of Kerala.

Back at my hotel I sit out on the veranda into the early hours, watching vibrations of yellow lightning in the distance and listening as rainclouds sweep across the coconut palms like stealth bombers: approaching with the whoosh of an express train, unleashing pandemonium for a minute or two, then ceasing just as abruptly to leave a loud chorus of frogs in their wake.

It rains all night and through the next day. The Nila bursts out of her sandy chains and, for the first time in years, fills her channel to the brim. Gopi walks around grinning under a broad umbrella and calls all his friends. His river has returned, at least for now, and I can’t help sharing his joy. Having given myself up to the Nila’s flow and song, it’s become my river, too.

Great Dane

Imagine you’re a character in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. You’re running through an abandoned metal factory in the middle of the night. Around you shadows jump and your heart beats faster as a sinister figure draws terrifyingly closer. Now imagine the soundtrack for this scene. Hear the screeching, spooky, industrial score as it plucks at the hairs on the back of your neck?

It’s about 9pm, and that haunting soundtrack is echoing across rooftops in the Danish city of Aarhus, as if a train has derailed in the heart of town. I follow the sound as it reverberates through the crowded streets, eventually stumbling upon a huge double-storey pentagonal construction erected in the square next to Aarhus Cathedral.

Made from 10 stacked shipping containers, the contraption is a giant musical instrument, with a 50-strong audience tucked inside its belly. Ten energetic musicians use violin bows, saws and karabiners to play piano strings strung taut between both ends of each container. Lit brightly against the inky night sky, they focus on a conductor standing amid the audience. His nostrils flare and hands fly as he sends the unique psycho symphony vibrating down through the containers, engulfing the crowd sitting spellbound below.

Some audience members close their eyes, surrendering to the experience. My eyes dart back and forth between each container, mesmerised by the musicians’ movements. With the dips and sways of the music, they climb the container walls to create a sound that is as harmonious as it is discordant. At the end of the 45-minute performance I jump to my feet, swept up in a standing ovation. We’ve experienced the magic of Huey Mecatl, a Mexican instrument-invention that’s a highlight of the Aarhus Festival.

Each year, Copenhagen’s sleepy little sister dusts off her dancing shoes for one of Scandinavia’s largest events, a 10-day music and cultural celebration that grips the city streets. Locals hold the event in high esteem. At least that’s my assumption based on the number of Danes insisting it’s a must-do experience during my six-month visit. I’ve dutifully trawled the program and filled my diary with an ambitious, scribbled itinerary set to take me all over town.

Denmark can be bothersome for the bank balance, but I’m delighted to discover the line-up is full of free entertainment and shows for less than US$10. That said, some of the more expensive ticketed theatre, dance and music events are difficult to turn down. Two excellent international acts – Beth Orton and the Walkmen – are among the many musicians to take to the stage. The food festival also tempts. Here, local growers and chefs gather with gastronomes to celebrate the famed Nordic approach to food in balance with nature.

My first festival foray is far from what I’d envisaged. The concert isn’t my cup of tea, then I get lost on my bike trying to make it to my second show. By the time I return to the town centre for my third calendar entry I’m confronted by huge crowds gathering along the canal ready to party. I abandon the rest of my plans for the night, skip the crowds and wander around the old part of town, disheartened but open to serendipity. Gradually the festival reveals her true self. Like a mischievous friend with a twinkling eye, she knows exactly what I need. She takes me by the hand and shows me what the festival is really about: spontaneity, happenstance and cosiness.

The next afternoon I climb steep stairs to a loft in the cultural precinct of Godsbanen, where, in darkness, I dance with strangers for hours. At sunset on another day I link up with a peloton for the people and cycle through town spreading smiles to onlookers. Between bands, strangers link arms in the main square and swing dance to Benny Goodman tunes that spill from the speakers.

Later in the week, as the evening chill envelops the city, the now-familiar rowdy crowds again gather, attracted to the canal as though it’s filled with free-flowing beer. This time I hightail it to the atmospheric streets of the Latin Quarter. Desktop research couldn’t have helped me find the live music scene popping up curbside in this part of town – there’s simply no program for it. The thrill of the unexpected has me prowling the streets like an explorer in this ancient Viking town. When my feet grow tired at the end of long days and nights, I make a stop at the grassed urban space in front of Cafe Le Coq on Graven or one of the bars in the little streets nearby. Sipping wine and sitting shoulder to shoulder with other festival folk, I soak up the collective warmth. I’ve found my festival groove.

Despite the impending grey of winter, I’ve noticed a romantic cosiness in Denmark. There’s actually a special word for it: hygge. It’s tricky to pronounce and it seems everyone has a different translation to offer when I ask. But taking what I can from various explanations, it refers to that comfortable, snuggle-by-the-fire feeling you get with a glass of red and good company. Cosy as a direct translation doesn’t seem to cut the mustard; hygge is also a state of mind and a feeling or intimacy between people.

If I have the translation correct, it seems much of the Aarhus Festival magic is about creating hygge in different ways. At an outdoor concert a stranger smiles and shares a blanket with me to keep warm against the autumn chill. At the Turkish Tent, I sit with friends on carpets sipping sweet tea while young and old swirl and clap around us. There is a commonly held belief that Danes can be rude, but the festival doesn’t reveal this. Many locals strike up a conversation and warmly welcome me to their city. The streets are alive but they are also inclusive. I feel a part of the celebrations rather than a tourist standing on the periphery.

My expat friends, too, return from the festival feeling far more connected with their adopted home. It’s given us an excuse to venture out and discover what really makes Aarhus tick behind the cute, coloured houses. We share stories of treasure hunting, a peculiar light show projected around the grounds of an old mansion, a mobile bike cinema and a flash-mob dance in front of the Aarhus Domkirke, the city’s cathedral. Aarhus has surprised us.

Slow Road Through Cuba

Blue and red lights flash in the rear-view mirror. On closer inspection, it’s apparent they belong to a police motorbike, one that’s pursuing us like we’re driving the getaway car used during some audacious bank heist. With the wail of a siren, we pull over and I’m ordered out of the car.

The cop is dressed in a tight navy-blue uniform let down badly by a sagging paunch. He peppers me with rapid-fire questions.

My Spanish – far from fluent – simply can’t keep pace. If I’d been drinking rum, things might be different. Irrespective of the language being spoken, hard liquor transforms me into a gifted conversationalist. Sadly, however, I’m completely sober.

“Sobornar,” grunts the cop from beneath an immaculately trimmed moustache.

“Havana?” I venture hopefully. We back-and-forth like this for some time, until finally, exasperated, he waves me away in disgust, squeaking back to his bike in knee-high leather boots.

Back on the road I fumble for my dog-eared phrase book. ‘Sobornar’ means bribe.

We’re still laughing as we motor down the highway, swerving past cows, lunar-sized potholes and 1950s station wagons belching plumes of black smoke. Our stay in Cuba is only a few days old, but so far it’s all been a bit like this. Thanks to the legacy of revolutionary socialist politics spearheaded by Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara some 60 years ago, this is a country caught in a bizarre time warp. There is precious little internet, limited infrastructure and a currency system that rivals Einstein’s theory of general relativity in its complexity. As a result, many travellers opt to be bussed around on mindless package tours, but, along with a close friend, my wife and I have decided to rent a shitbox car and embark on a road trip from Havana to Trinidad. First stop: Cienfuegos.

It’s dusk when we arrive. We’ve booked into a casa particular – the Cuban equivalent of a B&B – but our email confirmation never arrived. This is not an uncommon occurrence in Cuba. Thankfully, owner Lorayne Sánchez, a beaming lady with an impressive afro, has enough connections to ensure sleeping on the street won’t be necessary.

A few blocks away, an elderly lady and her husband run Casa Anita. The front room is deliciously chintzy. Plates decorated with painted horses’ heads adorn a mantelpiece cluttered with ceramic pigs, doilies and creepy-looking clowns. There are rocking chairs, stuffed toys and, propped against the wall, a lime-green bike. It’s like a Stephen King nightmare meets the set of The Golden Girls.

On Sánchez’s recommendation, we dine at Pita Gorla, a family-run restaurant on the outskirts of town. Two men out front chop a shoulder of roasted pork, making ordering refreshingly straightforward. Massive portions are served with beans and rice, shredded cabbage, deep-fried plantain and red wine that is, in fact, port. The restaurant staff – at first clearly anxious we might be foreign prima donnas – seem to relax as we chow down, and frequently hover around our table to chat.

Literally translating to ‘one hundred fires’, Cienfuegos was founded in 1819 by pioneering French immigrants from Bordeaux and Louisiana. Its glory days, however, came in the 1850s with the arrival of a railway and the subsequent boom in the sugarcane trade. Suddenly flush with cash, local merchants pumped money into construction and the resulting neoclassical architecture, which helped gain the city a World Heritage listing in 2005, remains to this day.

We’re here during wet season and the sky has once again turned the colour of ash. Horses pulling carts clop down streets slick with rain. Vintage cars that are slowly being devoured by rust flank footpaths. On a Saturday afternoon, strolling the well-ordered city centre, we notice bars filled with men drinking beer and watching baseball on television.

In Parque José Martí, the town’s main square, two old men sit beneath a glorieta (bandstand), taking shelter from the weather. One wears a flat cap and plays guitar, the other clutches a walking cane. Unexpectedly, they serenade us with a song about the revolutionary days of Che Guevara. It’s a moving moment that conjures memories of Buena Vista Social Club.

As a farewell to Cienfuegos, Sánchez invites us to dinner at Hostal Casa Azul. Her brother, known simply as ‘The Pope’, is preparing fresh lobster. Most casa particulares will ask for your dinner request in the morning, but the majority also gladly cook anything you buy from local street vendors or the market.

“I love Cuba,” says Sánchez while we sit at the kitchen table and plough steadily through a bottle of rum. “I would always come back here, but I wish we could travel.”

During the trip, this will become a common conversational theme. Education and health care are free here, but most Cubans only earn an average of between US$15 and $25 a month, essentially making them prisoners on their own island, as beautiful as it may be. The night ends in a haze and laughter as The Pope and I pose for photos with giant cigars. He gives me one to keep as a parting gift.

Back on the road, we trundle sheepishly past ubiquitous hitchhikers, a salsa CD picked up from a bar in Havana providing the soundtrack. Our car, not unlike the one driven by Bob Sala in the film adaptation of The Rum Diary, is barely large enough to accommodate the three of us and our backpacks, never mind any additional passengers.

Lush plantations flank either side of the crater-ridden ‘freeway’. We pass through villages where pensioners sit on porches and pigs are tied to trees in front yards. Farmers in cowboy hats drive tractors with thatched roofs. Men in ragged singlets hold pineapples aloft for sale on the roadside. Vintage Buicks are crammed with entire families sitting on one another’s laps.

Although Trinidad is just 80 kilometres from Cienfuegos, it takes several hours to get there. Built on sugar fortunes and slavery, the Spanish colonial jewel is characterised by undulating cobbled streets bordered by peeling pink, pistachio and other pastel-hued houses.

From the central Museo Histórico Municipal we learn of the town’s history – pirates and unscrupulous sugar kingpins make for an intriguingly dark narrative during the guided tour – before climbing the rickety wooden staircase of the adjoining bell tower for panoramic views. The streets are cluttered with art galleries and hole-in-the-wall restaurants. At night, live bands perform in the cobbled courtyards of back-lane bars.

Trinidad’s dreamy time-warp feel has undoubtedly contributed to its appeal with tourists – far more so than Cienfuegos’s – but so has its location on the southern coastline. Just a 20-minute drive from the city, white sand beaches are punctuated only by the occasional beach shack or leather-faced old-timer renting snorkelling gear to use in the pristine waters.

Rather than retrace our steps, we head back to Havana via Santa Clara, a town known mainly for its bombastic Che Guevara monuments and revolutionary significance. At Monumento a la Toma del Tren Blindado, a smattering of train freight carriages marks the spot where, in 1958, Guevara and a ramshackle band of rifle-toting revolutionaries, using little more than a few homemade Molotov cocktails and a bulldozer, derailed an armoured train. The 90-minute battle was pivotal in Cuba’s history, effectively ending the rule of the Batista dictatorship and installing Fidel Castro, who was the prime minister, then president, for the next five decades. A short drive east, the Che Guevara Mausoleum houses the remains of the executed revolutionary and provides the detailed backstory of Cuba’s often-confusing socialist history.

Back in Havana, wave after wave of seawater smashes against the Malecón, the iconic waterfront esplanade spanning the coastline. As we venture further afield, the crumbling elegance of the city takes on a new perspective. Many of the buildings here are coming apart at the seams, but that really is an inherent part of the charm.

Cuba appears to have remained untouched by the passage of time. Sure there are cheesy Hemingway bars (the writer lived outside Havana for 20 years) and tacky package-deal resorts, but if you venture beyond the tourist traps, the rewards come in the most unexpected forms.

Our final night and another downpour sees us seeking refuge in a packed corner bar somewhere in the Old Town. In the pelting rain, the shutters have been rolled down, forcing what feels like an impromptu lock-in. In the corner, a band strikes up a tune, and with people hopping from bar stools to salsa to the rhythmic beat, the room soon becomes a blur of gyrating limbs. Ordering a generous pour of rum, I raise my glass to the scene. It seems a fitting end to a trip where unforgettable encounters lurked around every corner.

Like a Local in Barrio Brasil, Santiago

Barrio Brasil is the part of Santiago where the Chilean spirit meets a bohemian atmosphere. It may have fallen into decline in the 1950s, but seduced by cheap rent and neighbours who didn’t mind noise or creative endeavour, the 90s saw musicians and artists move in. In the years since, everyone else has followed.

Although its proximity to central Santiago means it’s easy to get to, the fact that it has been almost cut off from the city’s historical centre by the construction of the Norte-Sur Highway means the barrio has retained a certain individuality. It’s the sort of low-key neighbourhood where everyone walks to where they’re going, enjoying the sunshine and the still-standing rococo and gothic-style mansions built by some of Chile’s wealthiest families back in the 1920s. Many of them have now been converted into hotels and apartments.

The main boulevard, Avenida Brasil, runs from north to south, and is where mechanics’ garages and classic architecture create a visual puzzle. Just off it is a small street – and neighbourhood – called Concha y Toro, with cobbled streets and historic buildings. There’s a strong French influence here, but the focal point is a beautiful plaza, with a fountain at its heart. Sit in the window at Tales, order a coffee and watch the passing parade of people.

If you really want to eat something traditional, though, head to Santo Barrio and order chorillana, a plate of french fries topped with sliced beef, egg and fried onion. It goes perfectly with a litre of Torobayo pale ale from the Kuntsmann Brewery in Valdivia, in southern Chile.

For something more substantial, Restaurante Juan y Medio sets the benchmark when it comes to Chilean cuisine. You can order any number of specialties, which range from roasted chicken and spicy pork ribs to brined rabbit, but be aware: this restaurant is known for its huge portions. Nearly everyone who eats here goes home with leftovers.

All of these places – and many more – are located along Avenida Brasil, where the epicentre of the neighbourhood is the Plaza Brasil, the local square at the corner of Calle Huérfanos. Tiny, welcoming cafes surround it and, on hot summer days, you’ll find people sitting around, chatting and drinking beers. There are also a number of colourful sculptures by Federica Matta, where children play and hide from one another.

Here is home to Galpón Víctor Jara, a cultural centre covered in vibrant murals honouring Jara’s memory. He was a theatre director, singer-songwriter, poet, political activist and member of the Communist Party of Chile, who was tortured and killed soon after the Chilean coup of 1973. Although most of his recordings were burned by Pinochet’s military dictatorship, his wife Joan managed to smuggle some out of the country and they were later copied and distributed. Joan opened this centre to keep Víctor’s music and artistic legacy alive, both by ensuring his archive is kept safe and continuing his work.

The square is where many nights out begin. Those looking for something sophisticated and modern should head to Baires Sushi Club (its sister establishment Cosmopolitan is almost directly across the road). Grab a seat outside to browse the long cocktail list and take a peek at the attractive locals. But if raw fish is your end game, try Estrella Marina Sushi Fusión, overlooking Plaza Brasil. Combining the flavours of Japan and Peru, it offers some of the best sushi in Santiago.

There are also plenty of other options around here for a meal. You’ll smell Las Vacas Gordas – where huge steaks and racks of ribs sizzle on the grill – before you see it. You can try the Chilean version of a Pisco Sour here – made with Chilean pisco and pica lime – but most locals go for red wine. The service is great, too – not that you’ll go hungry, but the bread on the table never seems to run out.

Another of my favorite places, El Charro de Oro, a Mexican taqueria, isn’t too far away either. It’s a small but colourful spot – there’s a large mural representing Aztec culture – serving different types of tacos best consumed with a bottle of Tecate. Further north in the neighbourhood, visit Galpón Persa Balmaceda, a huge warehouse space filled with antiques dealers. Wandering from stall to stall is a bit like time travelling through different eras of Santiago. If you walk here on Sunday (when it’s open until 6pm) you’ll see Barrio Brasil at play. This is our day off, and it’s when families enjoy one another’s company, often touring the barrio on bikes.

Calle Agustinas is a true representation of the neighbourhood. A market pops up here on Sunday where people, mostly immigrants from Peru, Colombia and Ecuador, sell tables of items, from used hardware to handmade clothing. This is where I go for a Sunday breakfast of juices made from mango, passionfruit and pineapple and, at Avenida Libertad, pick up produce for the rest of the week – seafood, purple corn, cassava and potatoes are all on offer. It’s here you witness the true essence – the life and soul – of Barrio Brasil.

Chile’s Robinson Crusoe Island

“If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it must be a duck.” That’s what Bernard Keiser tells me as we survey various ‘clues’ etched into a cave on Robinson Crusoe Island, some 667 kilometres off the coast of Chile. I’m looking at a few letters scrawled on the wall and a handful of old square nails. Nothing earthshattering. But this, Keiser reasons in a nasally Chicago accent, is proof that he’s the first person in the world to have connected the dots in a fantastical web of coinciding histories linking pirates, a castaway and buried treasure.

Historians believe this inconspicuous cave on this little-known island in Chile’s Juan Fernandez Archipelago might have temporarily housed an eighteenth-century Scottish privateer named Alexander Selkirk. Selkirk spent four years and four months marooned in the South Pacific following a dispute with his captain over the seaworthiness of a vessel that, sure enough, would soon founder off the coast of Colombia. His adventures on the uninhabited island, then known as Más a Tierra, inspired Daniel Defoe’s classic novel, Robinson Crusoe.

If the immortalised castaway ever spent a single day in this cave, however, Keiser won’t hear a quack about it. The duck he’s been sniffing for the better part of the past two decades was purportedly buried here five years after Selkirk left. It smells less like a madman dressed in goatskins and more like pure gold. Eight hundred and sixty-four bags of it, to be exact, along with 21 barrels of gems and jewels and a chest full of untold Incan treasures.

The story (according to Keiser) is that this trove, worth an estimated US$10 billion, was buried by Spanish navigator Juan Esteban Ubilla y Echeverria in 1714, disinterred by British sailor Cornelius Webb nearly 50 years later, then reburied by Webb after a storm damaged his ship just off the coast. When a mutiny en route to the Chilean port of Valparaiso for repairs threatened his share of the treasure, Webb set the ship ablaze with all its crew on board, never to see the Juan Fernandez Islands again.

It’s an extraordinary tale built on what some might call wild conjecture, but Keiser is used to the scrutiny. “I’m a treasure hunter,” 
he smirks behind a grey horseshoe moustache. “Why would anyone take me seriously?” Few people do, but that hasn’t stopped the American millionaire from trawling through historical archives in Spain and Britain for clues, and tirelessly financing six-month-long digging expeditions on Robinson Crusoe Island each year.

There are about 20 islanders excavating with hand tools in a rocky patch next to the cave under what Keiser believes is the prophesised image of a scorpion drawn in yellow stone. Treasure hunting eclipses tourism as the second largest industry on the island, after fishing. I survey all three industries when I hitch over to Keiser’s dig site in Puerto Ingles on a lobster boat. With me are two huasos (Chilean cowboys) and their brother Francisco, my guide. The plan is for me to chat with the island’s only gringo while they climb into the pastoral hinterland to wrangle some wild horses. Together we’ll then trek back over the arid northern hills and drive the horses to the island’s only town, San Juan Bautista, following a route that Selkirk might have taken if he ever lived in this infamous cave.

A trail map for the island lists about a dozen tracks of varying difficulty, but the trek I find myself on is not one of them. The huasos had warned me in advance that I should head back on the boat if I was afraid of heights. I told them I wasn’t. A more appropriate question might have been: “Are you afraid of perilous rock slides and slipping into an abyss?” To which I would have replied: “Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.”

But I declined the tepid warning and the recommended trekking pole and soon find myself crumpled in a ball of fear waiting for Francisco to come to my rescue – a wonderfully emasculating way to kick off my journey in the footsteps of one of the world’s toughest survivalists.

San Juan Bautista is just one knuckle away from Puerto Inglés on this volcanic fist of jagged peaks punched out of the South Pacific, but the journey traverses some of the island’s most barren and unpredictable terrain. It takes two hours of heart-pounding, frenzied move-or-die footwork before I finally spot civilisation from the top of Salsipuedes lookout. The horses have long since disappeared into the greener terrain below, but I catch up with their riders at El Mirador de Selkirk a few hours later for crab empanadas and bottles of Archipelago, a strong local brew.

“Were you scared back there?” they joke as we throw down beers and lather our deep-fried lunch in a Chilean salsa called pebre.

“Only a little bit,” I lie. “Next time just strap me to the horse.”

If Selkirk trekked over these crumbling mounds on a regular basis and lived to tell the tale, I tip my hat to the man. But I tend to agree with most modern researchers who believe he likely toiled away his days of solitude in the very place the island’s 800 modern-day residents do, along Cumberland Bay. There’s a sliver of flat land, calmer seas and a lookout with views to the southeast where rescue ships rounding Cape Horn were most likely to appear.

The next morning I set out to explore the corner of this boomerang-shaped island neighbouring San Juan Bautista – the area that Selkirk may have roamed. The surroundings can’t be much different than 300 years ago, as this UNESCO Biosphere Reserve is, to this day, 13 times richer in bird life than the Galapagos, with 61 times the plant diversity, including the peculiar pangue, a species that evolved slowly in isolation.

Stepping into a forest of pangue just beyond Plazoleta del Yunque, one hour above town, is like entering Alice’s wonderland. A path from the picnic and camping area disappears into a curtain of leaves as large as a human body, then loops into a dense jungle of endemic flora. Home to both the firecrown hummingbird and short-eared owl, it’s a landscape where frazzled ferns that wouldn’t be out of place in New Zealand’s Fiordland elbow for space next to pencil-thin palms reminiscent of Hawaii.

This serene spot was once the refuge of the German Robinson Crusoe, a man by the name of Hugo Weber Fachinger, who survived the sinking of SMS Dresden just offshore during World War I and eventually settled on the island in isolation from his captors. Fachinger chronicled his adventures for several European magazines of the time (much as Selkirk did upon his return to Scotland) but was forced to leave in 1943 when he was wrongly accused of being a Nazi spy.

The path from Fachinger’s hideout back to San Juan Bautista traverses a different microclimate altogether, where wind-deformed trees cower over a herbaceous steppe, their gnarled branches swept over like a lopsided ponytail. Closer to town the surroundings change once again into a forest of newly planted pine and eucalyptus, resources absent in Selkirk’s day that are now used for construction and heating.

Robinson Crusoe Island is hardly the cut-off-from-the-world backwater it once was. The wood-carved town of San Juan Bautista was virtually rebuilt from the ground up after a devastating 2010 tsunami, and now boasts satellite TVs, wi-fi, sprawling plazas and open-air restaurants with the kind of high-quality, low-fuss seafood found in salty fishing towns. Rock lobster, golden crab, octopus, sea bass – you name it, this island has it, thanks to its location at the confluence of the cool Humboldt Current and warm Pacific Countercurrent.

A more appropriate question might have been: “Are you afraid of perilous rock slides and slipping into an abyss?” To which I would have replied: “Yes. As a matter of fact, I am.”

Chefs will cook up the catch of the day in one of three ways: chopped into a ceviche, wrapped up in an empanada or grilled à la plancha. Of the dozen or so restaurants scattered across town, the breka ceviche at Brisas Del Mar is easily the best deal at 2000 pesos (AU$4), while the steamed lobster at Crusoe Island Lodge is top of the line – with a price to match.

Selkirk would surely roll in his grave if he knew how much a Juan Fernandez rock lobster retails for in Chile, not to mention his native Scotland, where the shellfish is considered a rare delicacy. These lobsters were simply a means of survival for the castaway – a daily dose 
of energy for a man locked up in an island prison. Now, they’re red gold.

Long gone are the days when you could pluck lobsters off the pebbled beaches of Cumberland Bay, so I pull on an extra layer of blubber (my wetsuit) and snorkel offshore with Francisco to see if I can find dinner. What I find instead are the island’s notoriously playful and childishly inquisitive fur seals.

Three zip over to check me out the moment I plop into the bay. They have a stealth I didn’t think possible of a clumsy sea mammal 
and are absolutely acrobatic under water, darting headfirst through the sea, their whiskers bending into moustaches.

The welcome party scurries in and out of view for about five minutes, performs a few feats of agility, then retreats to a rocky perch to do what seals do best: suntan, bark and waddle around, all in the company of a few hundred friends.

It was the ancestors of these very seals – large in number and menacing in appearance – that eventually drove Selkirk away from the coast, according to historical accounts. He’s thought to have moved further up into the hills, where he built a hut and domesticated goats, introduced by earlier sailors, for food, clothing and companionship.

There are two ways to get from San Juan Bautista to the airport on the far side of the island. One is by boat. The other is by foot, passing Selkirk’s old hut, his namesake lookout, and the side of the island that bears a striking resemblance to the castaway’s homeland, yet likely remained an inaccessible mystery.

I choose the six-hour walk for my last day in the Juan Fernandez. Halfway up the rugged volcanic range that separates San Juan Bautista from the far side of the island, I come across a trail leading to the remains of what Japanese explorer Daisuke Takahashi claims is Selkirk’s main hut. The pile of rocks isn’t much to look at now, but excavations sponsored by the National Geographic Society a decade ago revealed a few tangible links to the Scottish privateer, including a blue tip from a copper navigational device commonly used by sailors of Selkirk’s time.

I hike further along the island’s uppermost mountain pass into a high-altitude rainforest shrouded in clouds. The wind picks up as I approach an overlook Selkirk is said to have used on a daily basis. The historical accuracy of this claim is as cloudy as the view, but, like Keiser’s tale of exploding ships and dazzling treasure, it makes for a good story.

As I stand on the only vantage point with views of both sides of the island, I’m reminded of something Keiser told me when we first met at Cafe Marenostrum a few days earlier. The wind was howling across Cumberland Bay, the dock was closed to boats, and flights had been suspended for three days. The island was exceptionally broody – just as I’d envisioned it – setting the perfect tone for a lunch of kingfish sandwiches that turned into a four-hour lecture on island legends.

“There are a lot of myths swirling around about the ‘island of Selkirk’,” Keiser warned from our position by a rattling window. “The English version of Selkirk’s rescue describes cats and goats dancing for Christ’s sake. If you take it logically, it just doesn’t make any sense what everyone has said about this man.”

Keiser believes the castaway’s story has been sentimentalised by overly romantic writers and hyperbolised in the name of tourism. He thinks the National Geographic expedition was a hoax, and that Selkirk lived instead on a bushy hill called Centinela, visible from our window.

Perhaps we’ll never truly know where Selkirk lived. Perhaps it doesn’t even matter. Perhaps, however, the castaway and the buried treasure do have more in common than an eventful decade in colonial history.

Each mystery involves a stubborn man pitted against an island. One foresees certain disaster (a ship in peril) and the other good fortune (buried treasure), and both choose to stay in self-imposed exile on this remote outpost because of the strength of their convictions. Whether anyone else believes them or not.

River Deep, Mountain High

Sometimes you can count biodiversity by the roadkill. Within the first hour our bus out of Salvador swerves to avoid hitting the carcass of a small rhea, followed soon by what I guess are the remains of a margay. Discounting a couple of armadillos and a creepy vampire bat that lies dead by the snack bar at Itaberaba where we break up the journey, what raises the biggest roar is the maned wolf lying by the side of the road after Seabrá. At least the black urubu vultures circling above had prepared us for the sight.

It’s six long hours from Salvador to Chapada Diamantina, the Diamond Highlands of Brazil, and roadkill breaks the monotony of the featureless Brazilian sertão (hinterland). Occasionally, we encounter the odd farmhouse with concrete walls and a corrugated roof. Dogs bark while chickens cackle loudly and avoid our bus just in time. They must have clocked what happened to their less-nimble brethren.

I’m heading to Lençóis, the gateway to the Chapada Diamantina National Park, whose remoteness and lack of infrastructure are its biggest assets. Backpackers are slowly discovering this forgotten corner of the world and the adventure operators who have sprung up can’t find enough tour leaders to cope.
When I arrive, I immediately seek out Esmeraldo, a veteran with shoulder-long white hair and one of the most experienced Chapada guides. He shares with me a few beers on my first night out in Lençóis.

“Three days?” he says and shakes his head when he hears how long I plan to stay. “It takes three days to hike to the valley of Capão! You can go trekking, canyoning, climbing, biking, caving, swimming – but you have to stay for a week or so.”

He teams me up with Nils, a sensible, sociable Swede who is snacking on cassava chips a few tables back. He’s here for three days, too.

The next day Nils and I are up early for a jeep ride with Esmeraldo to pick up the trail to Lapa Doce, the third largest cave in Brazil. Not only does the landscape change after every turn, but so, it seems, does the ecosystem. We leave the shadow of the last vestiges of the thick Atlantic rainforest and enter the distinctive woodland savanna of the Cerrado. Here canopy cover is patchy and the sun hits us like a rock.

Esmeraldo points at trees we haven’t heard of before: this one here with the large trunk is a mulungu, whose bark has been used for centuries as a sedative. That one is an aroeira – its resin smells of soap and the essential oil is used in cosmetics. As for the one over yonder whose leaves form a tuft at the top – that’s an amburana honey tree, whose seeds are crushed to give tobacco a sweet perfume.

“As for this one,” Esmeraldo says touching a strong, sturdy tree, “this one is a braúna. The best hardwood you’ll find. Used in construction everywhere in Brazil, ’cos it’s termite-resistant.”

When we finally reach the cave entrance, Esmeraldo dons a dust mask. Why? Because, unlike most caves, Lapa Doce is not wet, slippery and cool, but dry, sandy and warm. Its floor is covered with fine silica particles that float when disturbed.

Nils is, not unreasonably, worried.

“You’re both OK,” says Esmeraldo. “It’s us guides who come here frequently who need protection. The dust can cause lung problems.”

But he still gives us a form to sign our rights away.

Despite being dry, the cave has stalactites, formed during the wet season that lasts for six months. They are thin and slightly crooked because of a faint yet permanent breeze we can only just perceive on our skin. The dimensions are staggering: you could fit a cruise boat in the first chamber and still have space to turn it around. The soft floor muffles our steps and magnifies the pervading stillness. Deep in the cave’s innards, rusty irrigation water from the farmland above has caused its most memorable sight: a curtain of stalactites white on one side and dark red on the other, like a bleeding wound.

East of Lapa Doce, a new ecosystem merges with the Cerrado: the Caatinga, which brings to mind the chaparral of the American West. The vegetation is arid lowland scrub, while the soil is poor and acidic, giving rise to oases whose waters are as transparent as cellophane. Seven or so kilometres later, we reach Pratinha (Little Silver). It’s not really a lake but the mouth of a submerged river flowing out of a cavern decorated by xique-xique cacti, shaded by lianas and framed by water lilies. The river continues inside the cavern where you can snorkel underground, following a guide boat through a narrow channel. It costs extra, but it would, wouldn’t it?

Nils opts for snorkelling, while I lie in the sun outdoors and refresh myself in the lake. When he emerges, his skin full of goosebumps the size of my nipples, I know I made the correct decision.

Deep in the cave’s innards, rusty irrigation water from the farmland above has caused its most memorable sight: a curtain of stalactites white on one side and dark red on the other, like a bleeding wound.

“The water is icy cold and dark – you can’t see a thing,” he says with a disappointed expression. “But I’ve learned something interesting.” He dives in the lake and emerges with a handful of sediment. “Look closer,” he tells me.

I rub my fingers in the sand. It’s white and brittle.

“It’s dead mollusc shells,” he explains. “They live so far inside that no one has ever found a live one yet. They’re washed out of the depths of the cave when they die.”

The next day’s hike is at the northern tip of the park. Around us are large craggy domes. We are aiming for the peak of Pai Inácio, the picture-postcard of the Chapada.

It’s a short and strenuous near-vertical climb to the top, but the eagle’s-eye view from the summit is worth it. The Sincorá range that forms the backbone of the park ends in solitary wind-eroded outcrops, each one an island with its own ecosystem. Indeed, nature has built a veritable Japanese rock garden at our feet. Each boulder is mottled with multi-coloured lichen, while bromeliads have taken shelter in every crack and depression. Plants here have waxy leaves to reduce evaporation and hardy roots that make the best out of the thinnest topsoil imaginable.

The careful hike down takes longer than the trek up. Sweaty and thirsty, we order juice at a mobile canteen. The trees of the Cerrado are thin and frequently stunted, their leaves slight and plentiful, and their fruit undersized and tart. There are the old supermarket faithfuls: mango, banana, coconut and papaya. But umbú? The size of a kiwi and with the skin of a smooth lime, this fruit has greenish-yellow juice that tastes like a sweeter version of grapefruit. I imagine it mixed with gin and order a second one.

We pick up the trail by Rio Mucugezinho, a river that crosses the park, with water the colour of tea. There is no trail other than the riverbank, necessitating climbing over large boulders, jumping across rocky slabs and negotiating tricky bogs under a gallery forest. We are followed by the screeches of a marmoset family we hear more than see. Every upwards glance is a sign for them to scamper quickly to the canopy. When we reach a bathing spot with a sizeable crowd of swimmers they disappear. But no, it’s not because they’re afraid of people. As Esmeraldo explains, this lucrative location is the home of a rival marmoset clan. These guys are much less circumspect, hanging from the branches of the trees trying to spot discarded biscuits.

Another 20 minutes and we reach Poço do Diabo (Devil’s Pool) where the Rio Mucugezinho forms a small cascade – if 20 metres is small for you. Nils and I jump in feet first, swim to the falls and let the current thump our shoulders for an environmentally friendly hydromassage. The water is cold and works wonders on our aching muscles. We are tired with satisfaction fatigue, for our bodies are responding to exertion with a heavy dose of adrenaline.

That night, exhausted, I drink Nils under the table. Months later, I find out that I made him miss his early bus to Salvador.

I spend my last day in Lençóis walking around the town, taking in its imposing, diamond-baron palaces, many of them now neglected and decomposing under the tropical sun. I end up making the short trek to the Serrano waterholes – shallow rock pools where the constant swirling movement of the Lençóis River turns them into natural jacuzzis. I am the only gringo there, but have visions of a future spa right by that copse of trees on my left. It’s going to call itself an ecolodge because it will be built from local, termite-resistant braúna tree. But make sure you beat the spa there.

 

Holy Rowley

All I can see are shades of blue – navy, sapphire, teal, aquamarine, cyan – swirling in a free-form masterpiece above and below the horizon. Then I jump. As the bubbles disperse, a new world reveals itself.

Orange and black clown fish dart in and out of enormous turquoise anemones. Crimson, yellow and green fish, whose patterns are reminiscent of those on Versace fabric, weave between elaborate coral pinnacles. A pair of Moorish idols, with their elongated dorsal fins, slowly surveys the reef wall, like a couple of nosy neighbours. A ghost ray ripples past.

I descend – five, 10, 15 metres – into the cobalt depths. A solid school of silver giant trevally zips past me like a bullet train. All types of coral, including huge lime plates and wafting golden elephant ears, catch my eye. A white-tipped reef shark zigzags below. A large but delicate mauve gorgonian fan – the first I’ve seen here – waves gently in the current.

This is the Rowley Shoals and, unless you are a dive aficionado, you’ll probably never have heard of it. Three teardrop-shaped coral atolls – Clerke, Imperieuse and Mermaid – soar more than 400 metres from the ocean floor on the outer tip of the Australian continental shelf, 260 kilometres north-west of Broome. The lip of each reef encloses a massive 80-square-kilometre lagoon where the water is a balmy 26ºC and the underwater visibility is a dazzling 25 to 50 metres. Such pristine conditions create a huge variety of marine life – about 230 types of coral and 700 species of fish in all. The reefs are also among just a few in the world washed by five-metre tides, which rise and fall in six hours. All that flowing seawater brings with it massive amounts of nutrients for corals to feed on, so they grow larger than elsewhere. The fish are similarly bigger and bolder.

It is November and the water is like glass. I am one of just 14 divers and snorkellers, plus the crew, and we have the place to ourselves. It may be a bit of a rock’n’roll 15-hour overnight boat trip to the Rowley Shoals from Broome, but for those who savour pristine underwater adventures and a delicious sense of space, it is well worth the journey.

Only a handful of operators visit each year and only during the Doldrums, the calm before the wet season, when there are no prevailing trade winds and the water is swimming-pool calm. There is never more than one boat here at a time.

I have chosen a five-day adventure on MV Great Escape, a 26-metre luxury motor catamaran with three tenders (small boats) on board, giving guests loads of adventure choices. Owned by Broome locals Trippy and Jezza Tucker, it is used for a number of cruises along the Kimberley coast, but the Rowley Shoals adventure is the crew favourite.

“You can swim, snorkel, dive, fish, beachcomb and you are the only people in the middle of nowhere,” says crew member Taylor Merrutia. “It’s like being on holiday – even for us.”

The catamaran has seven staterooms with en suites, plus a spacious lounge and dining room stocked with reference books to help you identify all the colourful species you discover below. Wandjina art decorates the walls. There’s a spa on the front deck, a rooftop heli pad for sunset viewing and stargazing, and an airy back area where most meals are enjoyed. Luckily there are plenty of them, since all the activity grows appetites to gargantuan proportions. Young Welsh chef Will Bacon serves up pancakes, poached eggs and crispy bacon for breakfast, chicken caesar salad and seafood marinara pasta for lunch, sunset appetisers like curried won tons, and dinners of Thai duck salad and pistachio-crusted lamb, finished off with coffee crème caramel and pavlovas for dessert. All the guests can bring their own drinks on board at no extra charge.

As the most serious dive boat to access the Rowley Shoals, Great Escape offers four dives a day, sometimes starting as early as 6.30am. For those who are game, there’s often also the option of heading back into the water after dark. Snorkellers have a dedicated tender and snorkel master to look after their needs. But the two big highlights here are the drift snorkels and wall dives.

On the outgoing tide, all 14 of us jump out of the tenders, are captured by the current and swept along the coral channels viewing the thriving life below. We zip past a kaleidoscope of parrot fish at various stages of their sex change from female to male (the males are the prettiest in various iridescent shades of turquoise and mauve). We also see them doing their day job, rasping algae from coral with their ‘beaks’. Dozens of giant clams litter the sandy floor, beckoning to us with their gaudy lips. The palest of pink fish, with big bedroom eyes, swim right up to our masks and tag along for the ride. The only hardcore folk are the green turtles, all nobbly and gnarly, and always just out of reach in the current ahead. At the end of each drift snorkel, we hop in the tenders as eager as kids at a theme park to get on the next ride.

With panoramic coral gardens harboured within each lagoon, the snorkellers continue on other surface adventures, while the divers get excited about some of the best wall dives on the planet.

At Clerke Wall I marvel at staghorn coral and weave among huge hump-headed Maori wrasse. On the Jimmy Goes to China site (so named because if you don’t get off the drift you may just end up in the Orient) there’s an entire colony of multicoloured gorgonian fans and a speckled cuttlefish changing its spots to blend in with new surroundings. The highlights of the Mermaid Wall dive are neon-bright nudibranchs and garden eels tucked among a jungle of corals, both soft and hard. At the Cod Hole I meet Agro, the grey-spotted potato cod, who takes such a liking to my pink mask he follows me around like an oversized underwater puppy.

While the drama is all below the surface at the Rowley Shoals, it is blissfully serene above. We toast our good fortune with sunset drinks on a sliver of blinding white sand that has been tantalising us for days. Bedwell Islet is our very own desert island, and we raise our glasses to this glorious watery wilderness as the sun’s golden orb melts into the sea and the inky sky above is pricked with stars.

A Fishing Fantasy in Australia’s Northern Territory

“We call it catching up here. Not fishing!” says Trevor, grinning. I’m standing on the bow of the MV Nomad holding a three-metre-long rope with a hook at one end and what looks like a spoon while bobbing on top of the Arafura Sea, off the far north coast of Australia’s Northern Territory. I have no idea what to expect.

“Here they come,” Trevor warns. “Make sure you pull them in quick. The sharks are bloody fast up here.” I look across at my brother, who’s clutching his rope somewhat competitively, but now looks equally uneasy. In an explosive splash, his line pulls taut as a Spanish mackerel the length of a surfboard breaks the water and takes his lure. There’s no fishing rod or reel here. It is hand over hand as fast as you can – if you aren’t fast enough, as my brother soon finds out, you pull up half a fish, the other half taken by an opportunistic and rather hungry bronze whaler shark.

Within an hour of casting our spoon lures we’ve reeled in four and a half enormous Spanish mackerel, blistered both hands and screamed like little kids as we pulled our catch from the jaws of Jaws himself. We try some reef fishing and my brother snags a fish that is the size of a couch and fights with the resistance of one, too. I hook a coral trout that swims into the mouth of a shark and snaps my line. I’m out of breath from both exertion and laughter. All the while Trevor smiles broadly, almost with pride, as he fillets the mackerel. The sun is high and bright and the sky a deep endless blue. It is almost the perfect fishing trip until Trevor offers us a beer. Perfection.

We are on a “bro-cation” at Banubanu Wilderness Retreat, a dream made true by Trevor Hosie and his wife Helen. Tucked into the dunes of Bremer Island, about three hours by boat from Nhulunbuy, on northeast Arnhem Land’s Gove Peninsula, Banubanu looks as though Robinson Crusoe himself built it out of the driftwood, flotsam and jetsam washed up on the surrounding beaches. There’s a dugout canoe in the Driftwood Cafe – the central meeting and dining point – that’s made its way from Papua New Guinea, and a life ring from the Avona Jakarta hanging on the wall. God knows what happened to the Avona Jakarta, or her crew for that matter. Given the appetite of the bronze whalers we’ve encountered, I doubt many of her men would have made it this far had she gone down. Old fishing nets, giant turtle skulls and coloured buoys complete the picture.

There are wooden walkways through the sand leading to the accommodation: a series of cabins and tents almost buried in the dunes behind the Driftwood Cafe, all with luxury bedding and bathrooms. Trevor has also built the ultimate beach shack here, its sundowner deck looking over the northern beach. It is his crowning glory and where we sit après catching, cold beer in hand, watching a golden Northern Territory sunset over the far rocky point after which Banubanu was named.

Trevor’s dream began decades earlier while he was surveying the area for a previous job. Bremer Island, in particular, stayed with him. Ironically, Trevor was part of the team that classified the island a protected area and, as such, it remained isolated until 2003 when he returned to build Banubanu. Lak Lak, the local Yolngu landowner, remembered Trevor from his surveying days and granted him permission to build. In return, Trevor employs local youths and pays a royalty to the community. The arrangement gives guests a unique opportunity to meet the Yolngu people and gain an understanding of how they live. Unfortunately we don’t get a chance to meet Lak Lak, but we’re told she is a regular visitor.

Trevor and Helen’s respect and affection for her is obvious. There are quite strict rules regarding the environment, and alcohol can only be preordered and brought in with guests.

We spend a morning circumnavigating the island in Trevor’s beaten-up old Toyota. It doesn’t take long, yet around each bend is a breathtaking view of another isolated beach just begging for a set of footprints. Trevor takes us inland to some crab holes, but we pass on trying to catch their inhabitants when he mentions the area also “has a few crocs”. As beautiful as it is in this part of the world, it is important not to forget just how wild it is too.

And that is what makes Banubanu so special. There’s no TV or phone coverage (unless you climb the highest dune and get lucky), so you find yourself immersed in the nature surrounding you. Trevor talks us through the bird life and I imagine twitchers fumbling with their binoculars in excitement. We’re lucky enough to spot some sea eagles darting in the distance. Turtle watching here is world class with new nests appearing weekly during the nesting season, and while they are off-limits to guests, the locals can track down larger turtles for an up-close and environmentally friendly experience.

The easy option for Trevor and Helen would have been to set up a simple campsite and let guests look after themselves, but the beauty of Banubanu is that they haven’t. Helen tells us they have tried to make everything they can control five star. The food she prepares is exquisite. On our first evening we start with sashimi from a fish Trevor filleted on the boat that afternoon. Dessert is a Heston Blumenthal-inspired pop rock pudding. The Driftwood Cafe, lit by candles and catching the sea breeze, is the ideal location. The food, the bedding and the service are on par with a top-priced resort. The beach, the sunset and especially the fishing are even better.

But for me, it is the escape that is the allure of Banubanu. After only a couple of days I feel like a genuine castaway, as though I’ve been washed up on the beach clutching the Avona Jakarta life ring. Three days feels like three weeks. The rest of the world is so far away it is forgotten. Large beach resorts try hard to replicate the “shipwreck experience” travellers seek. Banubanu doesn’t have to try. It is the real deal, garnished with luxury. We have a perfect half-moon beach to ourselves and time is told by the sun’s position in the sky. On our our final evening it puts on another spectacular closing number. My brother and I toast the moon and gaze up as the stars come out. From this vantage point Banubanu is far more than five stars.

Up Croc Creek Without a Paddle

Tell people you’re heading to the Northern Territory to kayak down a river and they’re only going to say one thing. Come on, no one in their right mind kayaks down a river in the Northern Territory – particularly if the river’s full of crocodiles. So I say it again and again and again: “They’re not stupid. No one’s going to let me paddle down a river with crocodiles in it.”

Turns out I was wrong. They are going to make me paddle down a river with crocodiles in it. Saltwater crocodiles. The kind that grow bigger than, well, a kayak. I discover this about 300 metres above the river on my incoming helicopter ride. That’s the Katherine River below me. When it’s done funnelling its way through nine famous gorges, which we’ve just flown over, it winds its way slowly downstream across the red dust and clay of the Australian outback, south-west of the township of Katherine.

“How come there are no saltwater crocs where we’re going?” I ask the helicopter pilot, waiting for a logical explanation. I’m sitting right beside him in his Robinson 44, so while his voice comes to me as a noise through my headset, his eyes stare right at me. “What do ya mean?” he asks.

“I just would’ve figured that a river so far north in the Northern Territory would have saltwater crocs in it.” I’m still looking at him. “There are saltwater crocs where you’re going, mate,” he says slowly, like he’s not sure whether I’m messing with him or just thick. “About a week ago, they pulled a four-metre saltie from a croc trap right where you’ll end up.” He continues on his merry way. “See there,” he’s pointing at a riverbed. “My neighbour’s dog was taken there by a saltie two weeks back. She reckons there wasn’t even a yelp. One minute it was there, next it was gone.”

But this far from the coast, the Katherine’s full of fresh water: “Doesn’t matter. They don’t mind the fresh water,” he says. But why on earth would an adventure company take people paddling above saltwater crocodiles? “It’s an adventure company, isn’t it?” he says with a chuckle. “Anyway, they should know how to avoid them.”

At this point in the conversation we spot a man in a kayak below us, waiting beside a tear-shaped sandbank in the river. The pilot banks hard left so that I temporarily lose my stomach as we come in low and fast and turn full-circle back at him.

My feet sink ankle-deep into coarse orange sand as I meet the bloke I pray knows where every last crocodile is on this stretch of the Katherine. The river’s a pretty sort of soft blue. It’s still enough, too, to create a mirror on the surface reflecting the lush trees that line both banks and look so out of place among the dusty plains we’ve just flown across. On a hot day like this one, it looks like the kind of river you’d leap right into if you didn’t know better.

“I wouldn’t,” guide Matt Leigh says casually. Leigh’s not the type to lecture or waste much breath on talking, but it’ll be these two words that guide me through the coming days – if Leigh says he wouldn’t, I don’t.

“There could be salties here,” he says, glancing around. “You never can tell. You’re better off soaking than swimming round here. Don’t swim where you can’t see the drop-off. You’d be right 99 times out of 100, but I take more than a hundred people here every year.”

Before I even so much as dip a paddle in the Katherine, I fire every croc question I’ve ever thought of, and then some, at Leigh. From that round of interrogation, let’s dispel a few myths about saltwater crocs before we go further – it’s only fair and, believe me, it helps.

They’re not always the killers we regard them as. An average saltie eats once a month, so they’re hardly out trawling for fresh meat like a lion, which eats as often as it can. And at five metres long, our kayaks are at least a metre longer than the crocs around here, so rather than seeing us as easy, squishy prey in plastic take-out trays, we’re simply the dominant species – they’ll hide until we pass by. Allegedly. Where there’s a greater chance of lurking crocs – in the deeper, darker sections of the Katherine – we’ll paddle in group formation.

But the crocs that inhabit this part of the river aren’t generally aggressive anyway – that’s why they’re here. They’re the non-dominant males who elected against fighting for women and food. Instead they tossed their towels into the ring and swam upriver to enjoy the quiet life, far from the testosterone of the coastal estuaries. There’s plenty more Leigh can tell you too, but it’s this image – of a river full of shy, retiring crocs seeking a bit of peace – that gives me the greatest comfort. So much so I’m finally able to concentrate on what’s all around me, rather than just under me.

Paperbarks grow right out over the water offering shade from the fierce afternoon sun. Blue-winged kookaburras – the kind that doesn’t laugh – fly between them as I pass by. Higher on the banks where gums grow, whistling kites and white-bellied sea eagles fly. Above them – high in the thermals – wedge-tailed eagles and black-breasted buzzards, so big they block out the sun when they pass in front of it, patrol the ground for food.

The river flows steadily so I ride the current downstream. Each bend brings with it a completely different scene – around some corners the river looks wide and peaceful; past others it narrows into tight, fast- moving avenues racing through smoothed-out sandstone, where I have to carefully negotiate my passage. When the sun starts to lose its sting, Leigh leads us to a sandbank near a knee-deep section of the river. “This’ll be camp,” he says simply. “Shallow water should keep the crocs away.” I stop to soak in the slow-moving water. By the time I dry off, Leigh has a fire going, and a pewter mug of whiskey with ice cubes is waiting on the camp table. All around ghost gums and river reds are lit up gold by the last rays of afternoon sunlight, while agile wallabies spy us through the trees, wondering about their funny-looking new neighbours.

Leigh cooks roast beef and vegetables in an old black pot on the fire and, when we’re done, I pick out a soft spot – still warm from the sun – on the rolling dunes. From my swag beneath the moonless sky, I watch stars shoot one by one across the infinite black, while listening to the steady hoot-hoot of southern boobooks and tawny frogmouths.

At dawn, Leigh kicks the fire back to life and cooks up a feed of bacon and eggs he frames not so neatly inside charcoaled pieces of toast. Then it’s back to the water. Over the next couple of days, the surroundings change by the second, as overhanging trees and green foliage give way to the kind of dusty setting you’d expect in this part of the country. Then we paddle around a corner and it changes all over again. Underneath me in the clear, warm water black bream, mullet, catfish, barramundi, snap turtles and metre-long whip rays dart about. Sometimes I float over tiny freshwater crocodiles hiding beside sunken logs – in the height of winter it’s not unusual to see 60 in a day. Above me in the trees, I see branches, tree trunks and other debris hanging precariously, swept there by summer floods when the river rises up to 20 metres. Around one corner I almost paddle into a decaying wallaby washed downstream. I hope its stench hasn’t attracted salties.

The more I paddle – or sometimes just drift with the flow, stopping to stretch my legs as Leigh boils billy tea along the river bank – the more I feel like I’m floating through some sort of real-life Hans Heysen landscape of Australiana, travelling back a century or more into a country I figured disappeared with the rise of modernity.

Out here, I can’t post a single shot on Instagram or Facebook, instead relying on my own eyes – rather than a hundred likes – to legitimise the beauty of all I see. There are no humans here either. Often we paddle for hours without speaking a single word. It’s like I can hear the outback slowly breathing in and out around me, keeping time with the wallabies that bounce along the sandbanks and the cooling nor’-wester that huffs and puffs through the paperbarks.

When the tour’s almost done, I spot a clunky, silver-looking contraption on the far bank. It’s only now I remember that a four-metre croc was pulled from here a fortnight ago – from that very croc trap. Rolling down the Katherine with the breeze at my back and the paperbarks forming a cathedral above me to guide me home, I’d forgotten about the man-eating creatures below. But as I squeeze my way slowly and silently through the only lush parts in one of the world’s most rugged landscapes, I’m mesmerised by all I see, smell and hear around me. In this blissful state of being, I feel like throwing myself into the river one last time before I leave her for the big smoke. “I wouldn’t,” Leigh says. I don’t.

Lighting Up Dark Mofo

Hobart’s ominous ceiling of cloud spits us out on the tarmac and we’re soon absorbed into a landscape as dramatic as it is gloomy. Rolling fields and mountains give way to a sky of endless grey. It’s a landscape of contrasts that serves as the perfect backdrop for the Museum of New and Old Art (MONA), an institution dedicated to life’s extremes – birth, sex and death. And that’s why we’re here: to revel in MONA’s Dark Mofo festival and get in touch with our hedonistic, pagan sides. Or, put simply, to check out some seriously weird art and music while enjoying Tasmania’s culinary spoils.

The program for the festival is unlike any I’ve ever seen. Museum creator and introverted gambling prodigy David Walsh and his minions do a damn fine job of sourcing some of the most left-of-centre exhibitions and acts. It adds great mystery and intrigue to the whole adventure, as there’s little preconception when walking into one of the numerous venues scattered across Hobart. From giant melting ice-blocks and transvestite Beat poets to Australian exploitation film screenings, Dark Mofo’s line-up is irreverent and unpredictable.

First up, and a mandatory highlight of the Mofo experience, is a visit to MONA itself. Clinging to a small point overlooking the Derwent River at Berriedale, about 20 minutes’ drive north of Hobart, the monolithic museum looks more like a Bond villain’s lair than an art gallery. Rumour has it the building will eventually crumble into the river as the land below it erodes. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

You can’t describe MONA in a nutshell. Safe to say, there’s nothing like it on Earth. Or in the earth, for that matter. The museum is built into the ground and you can either take a lift or a steep winding staircase into its bowels – I use that word for good reason. One of the museum’s more notorious exhibitions is a contraption designed to replicate the human digestive process. It’s all very scientific, of course, but a poo machine nonetheless. And, yes, it stinks.

Our schedule allows only a couple of hours in the museum, but you could easily spend longer. It’s incredible, weird, shocking, ridiculous and even has an onsite craft brewery and winery. I can highly recommend both, especially after watching a robot take a crap.

The rest of our Dark Mofo jaunt is split between day and night. The days are spent traipsing around Hobart and surrounds, taking in the festival’s bizarre and disparate offerings. These range from a screening of the classic Ozploitation flick Wake in Fright and a disturbing performance from legendary gothic Greek singer Diamanda Galás, to a musical stage adaptation of Snowtown, the film about the infamous ‘bodies in barrels’ murders. It is hands down the strangest theatrical experience of my life, and I’d wager a barrel 
of hard cash it’d be one of yours too.

Murderous musicals and wailing Greeks aside, Mofo really gets going after the sun goes down. The biting cold winds pick up and now is the time to ignite your smouldering inner fire with some tasty food and drink. The Winter Feast, a huge wharf on Hobart’s waterfront filled with food stalls by some of the country’s leading chefs, is an ideal start. But get there early as the event unexpectedly drew more than 45,000 hungry punters over the course of the festival in 2014.

Bellies full, we take refuge inside the New Sydney Hotel, a pub to end all pubs. This Hobart institution is a must-visit. The giant blazing fireplace toasts our backs as we peruse the drinks list. But it’s the hand-pumped beer tap that snags our attention. The brew on offer is rotated regularly, offering up a bevy of either unheard of or unpronounceable small-batch beers such as the Aurora Borealis, a 16 per cent beast that dares you to mumble its name after a couple of pints. We knock back a few and proceed to Dark Faux Mo, the festival’s official afterparty.

We roll into the Odeon Theatre, a longstanding Hobart icon and this year’s party venue. Divided between the main theatre, a mezzanine space and a small shed around the back, the festivities offer something for every taste. Headlining the main stage on the final night of the festival is Seattle drone metal band Sunn O))). The entire theatre is drenched in smoke and strobe lights and through the flashing sickly sweet fog comes the most diabolical noise. The smoke begins to clear, revealing a monstrous stack of speakers and the origin of this deafening auditory barrage. I manage about 15 minutes before retreating to the bar.

A few more Moo Brews and I’m upstairs, soaked in sweat and beer, dancing (some would argue having a fit) to Aussie synth-funk outfit Total Giovanni. The band finishes on a high and I slip out into the chill. The pathway between the main theatre and the back shed is crammed. I shoulder my way through the crowd of freaks and geeks and into the brothel-red lit back room. I arm myself with another Moo and take stock. The room is absolutely pumping. In the back corner a bluegrass band works revellers into a frenzy, while in the centre a skinny, bearded dancer a leather S&M get-up is gyrating on a stripper’s pole. At this point any lingering inhibitions evaporate.

I’m not sure what time we finish up, but on the walk home, in between bites of a pie, I try to piece together what this whole thing has been about. I’m still unsure whether the winter solstice/pagan-ritual theme ties each moment and experience together, but there’s something undeniably powerful happening in Tasmania thanks to MONA. Travelling to an island at the end of the Earth in winter and completely immersing yourself in art, performance, gastronomy and partying is truly unique. In a bloated festival landscape such as Australia’s, MONA’s Dark Mofo stands tall among the crowd. And I can tell you, I’ll be back.