Reykjavik, the capital of cool

We’re bombing across a rocky, jet black plateau that looks like the kind of other-worldly place NASA would explore with a wheeled robot. “Do you want to know something about this road?” our guide asks us with a sly wink. “It’s a new road – but there was a problem. It passed through elf territory. So when the government built it they left gold as compensation to the elves. The gold was eventually taken away. It must have been the elves – who else would take it? At least that’s the story I was told!”

My girlfriend and I are in Iceland for a bit of quiet away from the urban crush of London. We’ve been told that this is one of the cleanest and greenest destinations worldwide. I wonder if we’ll see a clean-living elf recycling his rubbish by the side of the road.

I chuckle at the guide and turn to look out of the window at the bright northern sun rising over this scruffy lunar landscape just outside Reykjavik – it’s the very first glimpse of Iceland visitors get as their plane lands at Keflavik International Airport. We’re crossing the volcanic black Reykjanesskagi Peninsula at the south-western tip of Iceland to immerse ourselves in the country’s most famous tourist attraction.

The fact that a country’s most famous tourist attraction is a bubbling cauldron of geothermal energy says a lot about modern Iceland. This is a place where, the occasional aluminium smelter notwithstanding, the environment really matters. The natural world is literally the heart and soul of the island. The Icelanders realised long before green issues became fashionable in the 1990s that it was essential to protect their land to ensure their very survival. Now they use it in their tourism marketing too.

We screech into the empty car park of this volcanic Disneyland – the Blue Lagoon. It’s early and we’re the first tour bus in town. Lately, Iceland’s tourism has been promoting this isolated country at the very tip of Europe as a green utopia. They’ve whipped up sleek TV adverts showing hot Scandinavian couples paddling in bubbling geothermal pools; all of it backed by a stirring soundtrack of Sigur Rós – but more on the island’s music scene later.

Kitted out with trunks and towel, I strip off and wash myself down – getting into a pool in Iceland while dirty is like farting at the dinner table. You’ll be castigated for it. Cleaned up, I brave the icy wind blowing across the alfresco complex and make a dash for the hot spa pool. I wade in and feel the warm water cover me like a blanket.

The Blue Lagoon is not like anywhere I’ve been before. You won’t forget the blue-tinted, mineral-rich water heated to 40ºC by the earth’s magma, the steam clouds rising from the pools, the chilly breeze and the modern wooden pavilion where tourists buy souvenirs, eat lunch and get changed. My girlfriend rubs the famous silica mud onto my face and I wonder how many visits it will take to transform me into a more handsome human specimen, like the macho inhabitants
of the island, who all seem descended from muscular Vikings.

The Blue Lagoon, though thrilling, is in some ways a ruse – the water is essentially the excess outfall from the Svartsengi Power Station next door. But that’s Iceland for you; they make the best of what they’ve got. In much the same way that they ferment dead shark and then sell it to tourists as a delicacy called hakari – despite US superchef Anthony Bourdain saying it was the worst thing he’d ever tasted.

Geothermal power, though, is a green Icelandic trump card. The power station, which slips from view as we head back towards the centre of Reykjavik, is one of five that power a quarter of the kettles in the entire country and provide almost all the house heating, plus hot water from the tap. Most of the rest of the island’s power comes from hydro and wind. Eventually the government wants the nation to be 100 per cent free of fossil fuel power. No other country in our lifetime will ever come close to that.

But no other country is like Iceland. As we shoot through the low-rise suburbs of the capital city, it looks a bit like Oslo or Copenhagen. But fiercely proud Iceland still ploughs its own furrow. Its greatest shame is whaling, totally at odds with the environmental image it wants to portray, and tourism authorities would love to make the fishing lobby pack up and go home. You can take a boat trip out to the bay to watch majestic minke playing and wonder why the country still hunts them. Perhaps it’s partly because Icelanders are so independent.

Before the banking crisis in 2008, Iceland was at full steam ahead in its own weird economic miracle. It was famed for its rich citizens and high prices. Prices have dropped somewhat, but when I hand over a fistful of krónur for a beer, it still sends my pulse racing. “How much?” I mumble in my head. But the same go-it-alone mindset, which caused Iceland to inflate a reckless economic bubble, also allowed it to install kilometres of cycle lanes in the city, promote recycling and resist industrial development to give it some of the cleanest air and safest streets you’ll find. They did things their way, for better or worse. The singer Björk started a fund to help support green industry in the country and the city’s new tourist motto is ‘pure energy’.

Back in the city, we take a stroll round central Reykjavik to explore more. Seagulls flutter all around in the sky above. The streets are so clean you could eat your dinner off them. This small capital of low-rise, slat-panelled buildings painted in primary colours, as if by up-beat school kids, is easy to negotiate. It’s really just a big village. We pass multicoloured recycling boxes everywhere, and clean parks. We swing by the Thermal Beach – open May to August every year at the end of the domestic airport’s little runway, where hot springs heat the sea water and sand is imported from North Africa. There are hundreds of pools and ‘hot pots’ – hot tubs – scattered around this spa-mad city. We skirt the serene Tjörnin, a lake in the city’s centre surrounded by lush green grass. Cyclists and joggers are burning the calories off, a Scandinavian phlegmatic look painted on their faces. Renting a bike is easy and the city produces cycle path maps to get you from A to B. We agree to hire a bike next time we’re in town, but this time take the next best alternative: walking the wide pavements.

Trundling along the city’s main street, Laugavegur, my girlfriend’s eye is taken by a different type of recycling. The many vintage stores on the street compete with up-market boutiques for the city’s fashion-conscious girls. I look up and down the street at the handsome men and beautiful women joking around and speaking in such a deliciously tongue-tangling way to one another.

In view of the monumental concrete church tower of the Hallgrímskirkja, we stop in for a drink at Kaffibarinn – a top little bar that Blur’s Damon Albarn apparently loved so much he bought a share in it. An Anglophile sort of place, its sign looks like a London Underground roundel, but there’s plenty of Icelandic spirit inside. We sample shots of Brennivín (aka Black Death), a fiery, potatoey, vodka substitute that puts hairs on your chest. As the afternoon ticks on, the booze begins to kick in, and a group of local men burst into an impromptu rendition of a traditional sea shanty – a gruff baritone lament for the high seas. It sends tingles up my spine.

Music runs through the veins of Icelanders. It’s a national obsession that culminates each October with the Iceland Airwaves festival. Last year saw the new breed of Icelandic bands such as Amiina playing alongside US, European and Scandinavian talent. For a country of barely more than 300,000 people, Iceland boasts an impressive collection of modern bands like For a Minor Reflection, and the wonderful party-starting pop act FM Belfast, whose songs seem to be on in every shop and bar we visit over our weekend.

There’s an even more famous star in town this weekend though. Yoko Ono fell for the island because of its commitment to green energy and because it doesn’t have an army. On the anniversary of what would have been John Lennon’s 60th birthday, we watch Ono perform a concert with her and John’s son, Sean Lennon, at a concert hall. Ono tells of how much she loves Iceland, and the crowd whoop and cheer “I love you!” at her. The atmosphere crackles. In many ways the concert is as much a tribute to the free-spirited, eco-conscious islanders as it is to Lennon’s memory.

Ono’s other tribute to John and to Reykjavik is a boat-ride away, and it’s our final date with this loveable, liveable city. We take an eight-minute boat ride across the harbour to the tiny island of Videy.

The day is fading fast and the Atlantic wind whips across my face. I look down at the clear harbour water, my eyes straining to see fish or whales, but I’m beaten by the lack of light. Still, out here on the gently rolling waves, the air is as fresh and pure as any I’ve ever breathed. They should bottle it.

After a 15-minute walk over low green hillocks of Videy, and past a charming old priory, we are faced with a pillar of light shooting up into the night sky as far as the eye can see. The Imagine Peace Tower is, aptly, powered by geothermal energy and has become a new icon of green Reykjavik – a constant reminder of peace and love. With the words ‘imagine peace’ inscribed into its stone base in many languages, its light is visible all over the city. And that beam of light stands for peace, for ecology, for friendship and for fun – all the characteristics that Reykjavik has in spades.

Heat Rises in a sauna cable car

When it comes to Finland, ski slopes and saunas are two things that are synonymous with the territory. But what about a sauna, built into a gondola floating above a snow-slathered mountain? Throw in some heavy metal music and traditional karelian pies (they’re filled with rice or mashed potato normally and topped with hard-boiled eggs), and you have yourself the ultimate Finnish experience.

Get your Finn on at Sport Resort Ylläs, where snow bunnies can unwind in the Ylläs 1 Gondola after a day carving up the slopes. The world’s first suspended sauna cruises a two-kilometre line, treating up to four riders at a time with 20 minutes of spectacular views of Lapland’s powder-white landscape.

Skiers looking for extra respite should book a two-hour package and soak in the outdoor hot tub at Café Gondola 718 (where there’s another sauna if you haven’t got sweaty enough), situated on the mountaintop. It can be enjoyed privately by up to a dozen guests.

Journey by train into Swiss wine country

Calling all wine lovers! All aboard the train des vignes  – otherwise known as the vineyard train – which coasts past the stunning vineyard terraces in Lavaux. A UNESCO World Heritage Site home to 800 hectares of sprawling vineyards, complete with a backdrop of the Savoy and Valais Alps, this regional train from Vevey station to Puidoux-Chexbresoffers is your ticket to immersing yourself in Switzerland’s wine country.

Alight at Chexbres-Village Station, where you’ll find a number of walking trails that weave among the beautiful terraces. Prepare to send your tastebuds into a frenzy as you walk along a signposted trail that tells the story of the local vineyard here, including the yummy grape varieties that can be found. For those who aren’t so keen on tackling the incline by foot, the Lavaux Panoramic, a train with wheels. Cruise from Chexbres-Village along skinny roads that wend among the grapevines while learning about the region and enjoying the landscape.

There’s also the Lavaux Express, which chugs along a loop among the neatly manicured vine fields from Lutry and Cully. For the few who make the journey here, the local winegrowers often allow visitors the opportunity to sample their wines in their cellars. The best part? Due to limited production, Swiss wines are often not exported, which makes quaffing a fine drop here an even more exclusive affair.

Europe’s Best By Train

Whether you’re simply travelling from the end of one country to its other, crossing the English Channel or searching for a longer adventure – one that will have you feeling as though you’ve stepped back to another era – the best way to get around Europe is by train.

Watch the countryside change outside your window, meet people from around the world and enjoy relaxed hospitality on the way to somewhere new and exciting. Plus, you surely have to be in favour of any method of long-distance transportation that allows you to avoid the clamour and stress of an airport. Here, we’ve found some classic European rail journeys that will take you to the continent’s finest destinations.

Top of the Hot Lists

There’s no doubt about it: Portugal is experiencing a moment. Everyone you talk to wants to go there, and that’s why you should book early if you’re keen to get on board The Presidential. They don’t call it that for nothing – kings, presidents, heads of state and popes have all travelled on this train, the jewel in the crown of the country’s railway, during the past century.

These days it offers a mouth-watering journey where guests can experience sumptuous meals prepared by incredible chefs from Portugal and further afield. The culinary talents in 2019’s departures between 20 September and 26 October include Henrique Sá Pessoa (two Michelin stars), Oscar Goncalves (one Michelin star), Leandro Carreira, Alexandre Silva (2012 winner of Top Chef), Óscar Gonçalves, Nuno Mendes and Bruno Rocha, as well as rising stars André Lança Cordeiro and Pedro Pana Bastos.

Of course, you’ll need to make a decision on which option you’re going to take. The first is a nine-hour trip. Entitled the Presidential Experience, it includes a return journey between Sao Bento and Vesuvio, a four-course gourmet lunch with matched wines and an excursion to taste port at Quinto do Vesuvio.

There’s also a two-day Escapade Pack from Sao Bento to Duoro – think the Presidential Experience with added grape stomping in one of the world’s last stone pits and an overnight stay at Six Senses Duoro Valley, a nineteenth-century manor house overlooking vineyards that’s been transformed into a luxury resort.

For maximum extravagance, book the three-day Premium Pack. You’ll begin in Porto, where you’ll indulge in meals at some of the city’s best restaurants, take private tours of the country’s premier modern art museum, Fundacio Serralves, and grand concert hall Casa de Musica. Then it’s on to the train where you’ll embark on a wonderful two-day exploration of Vesuvio and the Duoro Valley.

Don’t Miss Swiss

If you look up the word efficiency in the dictionary, there’s a photograph of a Swiss train right next to it. They run on time, they go everywhere and with the ultra-convenient Swiss Travel Pass you can jump on any public train, bus or ferry and explore to your heart’s content.

Of course, the million-euro question is which train to choose. Check out the suggested routes for the Ultimate Grand Train Tour of Switzerland to help make your decision a little easier. The experts do recommend allocating between four and eight days to your train tour to take in a huge variety of the landscapes and experiences on offer throughout this fascinating country. There are eight different routes in all, covering 1,200 kilometres and crossing all four of Switzerland’s language regions. Each one offers a journey of discovery, rolling through jaw-dropping scenery and also delivering travellers to lesser known towns and villages. Get a better understanding of the country by matching your timetabling to local festivities or events.

Still stuck? Here are some of our favourites. At the top of the hit list is the Bernina Express, which travels between St Moritz and Lugano on an elevated journey across the Swiss Alps. It negotiates 55 tunnels and 196 bridges along the way, follows the edge of Lake Como and stops at Alp Grüm, a restaurant accessible only by train.

Lovers of the high life might also like to board the Glacier Express, which passes through charming towns, across steep glaciers, past waterfalls and along Switzerland’s very own Grand Canyon, the Rhine Gorge. We know the word spectacular gets bandied about an awful lot, but it really is the only way to describe this scenic route from St Moritz to Zermatt.

Then there’s the GoldenPass MOB Panoramic linking Lucerne and Interlaken, gateway to the country’s adventure capital.

There are certainly far more places to see and trains to catch, and you can get one of the local experts at Great Train Journeys to organise an entire itinerary, including accommodation, for you.

Rolling Fjords

It’s one of the largest of its kind in the world and Hardangerfjord, which stretches from the Atlantic Ocean to Norway’s mountainous interior, is a sight a visitor will never forget. In parts, it is 900 metres deep and is blessed with natural wonders like thundering waterfalls and spectacular peaks.

If you want to set your full attention to its many wonders, book the Hardangerfjord in a Nutshell tour. Operating from May to September, this round trip can be done in one day, but why rush? It’s much better to slow right down, stretch the journey out to three days, and enjoy it all.

Along the way you’ll join a boat cruise on the fjord and a coach tour through countryside that explores delightful villages, like Ulvik, typical of Western Norway. You’ll also go on a sightseeing side trip that takes in the Vøringsfossen waterfall and the Norwegian Nature Center.

But there are plenty of other adventures that will reveal the region’s unique offerings. Take a guided snowshoe hike to Trolltunga, which juts out high over Ringedalsvatnet lake. Fjord safaris take visitors out on the water in rigid inflatable boats, where they can see seals and seabirds, as well as marvel at the sheer walls of rock that erupt from the waterline. Or perhaps you’d prefer to power a similar journey yourself. At Ulvik, join a guided kayak tour where, once you’ve paddled to an isolated island in the fjord, you’ll be taught basic survival skills, like how to start a fire and identify edible plants.

There are many other options for this train trip, too, including starting your return journey in Oslo and doing a one-way trip between Bergen and Voss.

For many other European journeys, head to Great Train Journeys.

This story is sponsored by Great Train Journeys, a Rail Europe portfolio.

Patrolling the Polar

On Svalbard, the remote Norwegian archipelago halfway between Europe and the North Pole, it’s illegal to die. Which, for most travellers, of course, isn’t a deal breaker. In fact, it could be reassuring bearing in mind this is the land of the polar bear. It’s also forbidden, my guide was telling me, to leave the settlement without a gun in case you run into a spot of bear-shaped bother.

I am on a cheery whistle-stop tour of the main settlement, Longyearbyen, before joining my ship for a two-week Arctic voyage around this glacier-fringed, far-flung outpost and the east coast of Greenland with wilderness experts Aurora Expeditions.

The extreme below-zero temperatures are the reason for the death ban – the corpses don’t decompose. Scientists exhuming bodies two decades ago collected live samples of the influenza virus, which wiped out five per cent of the planet’s population in 1918. Add the threat of avalanches, permanent darkness for four months of the year and the fact that 60 per cent of the land mass is glacier, 27 per cent bare rock and only 13 per cent vegetation. Life here is tough.

But to visit? Svalbard has a surreal appeal and a desolate, spellbinding beauty. This is life on the edge. Think Twin Peaks or the twilight world of eerie Nordic noir thriller Fortitude, which was, in fact, set in Svalbard, although it was filmed in Iceland.

The brightly coloured wooden houses are built on stilts to preserve the permafrost, northern lights viewing is big business, you can go dog-sledding, bask in the midnight sun during summer and the stellar wildlife-watching isn’t a hard sell. I wander through Longyearbyen’s award-winning museum for a crash course on the archipelago’s geology, flora and fauna until it’s time to board the boat.

On this occasion, I’m travelling on the Polar Pioneer, a Soviet-era research vessel that will retire with Aurora Expeditions at the end of 2019. The purpose-built, state-of-the-art, ice-class expedition vessel, the Greg Mortimer (named after the company’s co-founder), will replace her for future expeditions, offering a ship with green credentials and a patented X-bow design for added stability as it slices through polar seas. After more than 27 years pioneering small group adventures across the planet’s wildest locations, the future for Aurora Expeditions is greener, sleeker and a good deal swankier than its predecessors.

Life onboard is relaxed and the voyage begins with team introductions, from expedition leader Dr Gary Miller, the Russian crew, the naturalists and the photography and kayaking guides. There’s also the compulsory polar bear safety and environmental briefings, lifeboat drills and crucial seasickness advice from the ship’s doctor, before we cast off for Isfjord under baby blue skies.

Each morning the Puffin Post, slotted through the cabin doors, outlines the plan for the day – including Zodiac cruises and beach landings – along with a recap of the previous day’s highlights, the ship’s position, a useful Russian phrase and an inspiring quote. It’s the only form of news you get after the

Longyearbyen 4G falls away, forcing you into a digital detox.

Our voyage offers two days to explore Svalbard’s northwest coast and fjords – it is a great taster of the archipelago, and we manage to cram in a smorgasbord of highlights.

Bundled up like Michelin men, we clamber down the gangway at Kongsbreen for our first Zodiac cruise. The water is the colour of a cappuccino, bobbing with brash ice and playful bearded seals, and the mountains that surround the glacier are a rusty red Devonian sandstone. At Ossian Sarsfjellet we land on the shore then hike up a hill as Svalbard reindeer graze the slopes.

The mist-wreathed island of Ytre Norskøya was once a hub for the Dutch whaling industry in the 17th century, when the waters ‘boiled’ with bowhead whales. Skirting around piles of rocks, makeshift graves above the frozen ground and a Zealander’s ancient skull, we wander across the mossy tundra.

As we tramp uphill a family of arctic foxes scampers across the slope, while over the cliff’s edge we spy perky puffins perched precariously on a narrow ledge.

Sailing on to Hamiltonbukta, the Zodiac cruise takes us past cliffs of cacophonous guillemots before edging towards the face of a glacier as huge chunks of ice crash into the water. The crackling sound of the radio fills the cold air as we fill sacks with old fishing nets and plastics for the Clean Up Svalbard initiative. It’s the news we’d all been waiting for – a yacht anchored in a nearby fjord has spotted a mother polar bear and her cub sleeping on the tundra.

It’s our first polar bear sighting for this trip. With binoculars, and an air of excitement, we scour the slope, only just able to make out a buttery smudge against the scree. All too soon, it’s time to leave, the captain pointing our bow across the ocean to Greenland.

Our days at sea are filled with lectures and photography workshops. Biologist Ryan Burner gives a presentation on bird migration. Huddled in the lecture theatre we learn about the arctic tern, the mightiest migrant, which travels from pole to pole each year, escaping the Arctic winter for balmier southern summer seas.

Naturalist Roger Kirkwood spins tales of Arctic marine mammals and our impact on them, from the times of whalers, sealers and walrus-hunters to current-day environmental factors. These accounts feature animals like the Greenland shark, which can live for up to 500 years, and hooded seals, which we’d seen lounging on ice floes. I learn that the male hooded seal inflates a red septum out of one nostril to attract a female. It sounds like quite the party trick.

The crossing is mercifully calm, the sea flat and glassy, with a cold current creating an eerie Arctic phenomenon: a fogbow, which is a white arc infused with light. Through the haze, Greenland makes its appearance.

The world’s largest non-continental island sprawls over 2,165,000 square kilometres, 80 per cent of it ice cap. In terms of scale it’s off the charts. Greenland’s fjords are sailed by glacial bergs the size of skyscrapers, while the trees – dwarf birch and arctic willow – are just centimetres high.

Our first landing is at the aptly named Myggebugta, or Mosquito Bay, a Sirius Patrol hut standing sentinel on the shore. Founded during the Second World War to defend northeast Greenland, the sledge patrol was made up of nine Danes, one Norwegian and two Greenlanders. It was disbanded at the end of the war but reinstated in 1950 by the Danish government. Today, its role is military surveillance and policing the Northeast Greenland National Park.

After a quick snoop around the wooden hut we set off across tundra sown with blooming bog saxifrage and up hills in search of musk ox, shaggy relics of the last ice age and Greenland’s largest grazing mammal. Our guides are armed in case we happen across polar bears, and our eyes are on high alert for any sign of animal life. Insects, however, are the only other creatures we find as we reach the summit. With the sun beating down on us, we take a moment to observe the peaceful panorama of the bay below.

The ship drifts through a sun-kissed afternoon to Kap Humboldt where we find a trapper’s hut, ransacked by a polar bear, and then on to Blomsterbugten, or Flower Bay, where we spot wolf tracks and the remnants of fox traps left by Norwegian hunters. But it’s not until we reach Nanortalik’s paleo-eskimo site that we spot a lone musk ox, which bolts like a shaggy mammoth across a carpet of billowing bog cotton. These primeval creatures once roamed as far south as Kansas, but now natural populations can only be found in northern Canada and Greenland. Hoping to track down a herd, we walk across the tussocky tundra, trying to stay down wind until, hunkering down in the grass, we gaze on a grazing herd. We hardly dare to breathe.

Icebergs aren’t nearly as hard to find. In Scoresbysund, the world’s largest fjord system, a labyrinth of waterways, we cruise through Iceberg Alley near Rode Island. It’s a jaw-dropping spectacle of soaring pillars, arches and ice caves, sculpted into outlandish shapes.

We’re anchoring off Ittoqqortoormiit, home to 350 east Greenlanders and around 100 sled dogs. The town was built in 1924 by a Dane, Ejnar Mikkelsen, before Greenlanders from the village of Ammasalik, 800 kilometres south, arrived to settle the area a year later.

Hunting was originally the mainstay of its economy, but now the village relies on tourism (there’s a small museum and guesthouse, which offers dog sled tours, hiking and fishing trips), although locals still export sealskin and polar bear pelts. Hunting restrictions are in place but the village has a quota of 35 polar bears a year.

We’re starting to develop berg-blindness and have overdosed on ice, but we’re not prepared to give up on sighting a bear up close. “It’s not over till it’s over,” Gary reminds us.

And he’s right. At 5.30am on our last morning his voice crackles over the intercom: “We have bears! Zodiacs launching in 30 minutes.”

Scrambling out of our bunks, we grab our life jackets and make our way on deck, and there, lumbering along the shore, is a polar bear drama unfolding. A large male is chasing off a younger bear, while a mother and two cubs run in the other direction.

It’s a pinch-yourself, lump-in-the-throat moment – the best day of the expedition. Puttering around Rømer Fjord in Zodiacs, we watch the bears pick at a narwhal carcass left on the shore by hunters. We keep a safe distance, but when a bear decides to take a swim, it makes the kayakers work hard to avoid doing the same. By the end of the day, the bear count reaches a greedy seven.

The next morning’s Puffin Post fittingly quotes an excerpt from Polar Bears by Dr Ian Stirling: “A wild polar bear is the Arctic incarnate. The Arctic is not a forsaken wasteland to a polar bear, it’s home.” And one that we have been privileged to share.

Long Live Dionysus

As I climb the stairs to the Odeon of Herodes Atticus, the stone theatre located southwest of the Acropolis, about 30 people – pagan celebrators – are putting the finishing touches on their tight-fitting costumes. Some are satyrs; others are dressed as Bacchides or in maenad costumes. Most are sporting Dionysian masks, some with pointy horns. Both men and women wear furry boots and wreaths of ivy, but it’s the male pagan outfits that come with a distinguishing addition – a leather phallus is tied around their pelvises. It’s a somewhat obscene look that enhances the sight of the colossal bright red and leatherbound phallic-shaped pole that stands before a cheeky figurehead of the Greek god Dionysus.

This is all part of Falliforia, a wild celebration thrown by the paganist communities of Athens to honour Dionysus, the half-man, half-goat god of wine, theatre, fertility, religious ecstasy and orgiastic joy. It’s a yearly festival held at the end of each winter that turns the historic centre of the city into an unhinged inferno.

“The phallus is not just the male part,” says Manthos, a pensive man with a grey mane of hair. He is a leading member of the Labrys religious community, the Greek polytheistic group behind Falliforia, a procession honouring freedom and rebellion, solidarity and joy, fertility and hedonic mania, and the Dionysian spirit.

“The phallus symbolises fertility, the vigour of life,” continues Manthos, who has been disguising himself as a satyr for every Falliforia festival since 2013. “This is where all carnivals started, even the Rio one,” he adds while a Bacchis butts in, holding a plate full of raisins. Apparently, these were the favourite snack of Dionysus, to whom ancient Greek mythology attributes the birth of the grapevine.

Falliforia literally means to carry a penis and is a religious celebration dating back 2500 years. In classical Greece, worshippers of the goat-footed god Pan wore masks, brandished torches and wooden sticks adorned with leather phalluses, danced like demons, and drank until they dropped to commemorate the triumph of spring over winter and the resurrection of nature.

The blood of the festival-goers is now boiling. Young maenads are banging drums and mature animal-print–wearing shepherds are playing their bagpipes. Dionysus worshippers gather, as do a potpourri of curious locals and tourists from all corners of the world.

“Hail, Bacchus,” the revellers chant, forming a tight circle around the master phallus while stomping their feet. Manthos, now arch-satyr, drops wine in front of the Dionysus xoanon (a wooden image of a Greek deity), and a man wearing a Bacchus mask burns incense. The procession commences through the historic city centre, with four men holding a rope stretcher the titanic phallus temporarily rests upon. First stop, the Acropolis Museum.

“Everything well?” asks a sassy satyr, putting his hands uninvited around my shoulders as I stand in front of the parade to take photos. Another satyr offers a posh-looking lady, who probably just happens by chance to be in the vicinity of the acclaimed museum with her husband, a wooden stick upon which a particular male organ hangs from the top. “No, thanks,” the lady nonchalantly answers, while the glasses-wearing husband tries to conceive what just happened. A few Bacchi chase two young girls, who scurry away, laughing, while a couple of Dionysians lightheartedly threaten a middle-age man idling on a bench at the foot of the Parthenon with penises made of plastic. Indecently teasing the passers-by is part of the ritual.

“It is not about obscenity,” says Vasilis, a polytheist assuming the identity of – you guessed it – a satyr. “It is the Dionysian mania and its scoptic character.”

For the next five hours or so, the nostalgia-riddled centre of Athens transforms into a demented yet luring asylum. Bystanders better get used to it.

In front of the Acropolis Museum, the porters of the master phallus carefully prop it up for worshippers to gather around. It’s time for the first Kordakas dance. Kordakas is an ancient Greek comedy dance believed to have first appeared in Greek playwright Aristophanes’ comedy, The Clouds, in 423BCE. The etymology of the word Kordakas stems from the Greek infinitive kordakizein, which means, sarcastically, to blow your own trumpet. As a dance, it is inherently provocative and salacious, but at the same time humorous, and is thought to be the predecessor of the famous tsifteteli dance, a rhythmic, lustful jig that has predominantly been associated with Anatolia and the Balkans.

Alongside the lewd jerk of the thighs, the Kordakas dance demands revellers must also sing the gamotragouda, a selection of Greek folk songs with intense sexual content that “survived Christian influence”, says Vasilis.

Falliforia merrymakers then weave their way through the cobblestone alleys of Plaka, commonly known as the Cyclades of Athens (the district of Gods), showering dumbstruck tourists with wine and fake penises. Onlookers respond with a barrage of smartphone photos. When the frenzied march reaches Avissinias Square, the focal point of the Baroque Monastiraki neighbourhood, the phallus being hauled on the backs of the masked rabble-rousers is erected once again, as the Kordakas dance and gamotragouda songs are performed with enough gusto to shake the spirits. The scene is surreal. Monastiraki is famous for its flea markets, but it’s also a hot spot of friction.

Situated in the heart of Athens, Monastiraki’s Avissinias Square is where everybody – the trendiest local hipsters going clubbing in the nearby Psyrri district, Latin street dancers basking in attention, international socialites craving a taste of Greek folk, recently displaced refugees and migrants from Muslim countries puzzling over the European way of life – meets. Imagine what happens when you mix all these with deranged satyrs in front of Panagia Pantanassa, a Byzantine church, one of the oldest in Athens and a landmark on Avissinias Square.

It’s now about 10pm, and the Falliforia parade heads back towards the Odeon of Herodes Atticus. This year the festival will conclude with a hymn expressing devotion to the gods – all 12 of them – and the removal of the Dionysian masks, which will be deposited under the nose of the Dionysus xoanon.

Kiki and Maria, two prepossessing Bacchides, hold on to their masks, stating
the festival fills them with joy. “I feel connected to nature, to my true self,” says Kiki, a petite and curly-haired woman, who works as a public servant by day. “It’s the reversal of identities,” adds Maria, who studies history and archaeology. They both agree the Dionysian mask does not hide but rather releases their true self, and they can’t stress this message enough.

“Falliforia is about fertility, the victory of spring over winter,” reiterates Patronios, a chubby man who has not missed the festival for 10 years. “It is about nature’s virality.” Patronios’s huge grin can both entertain and swallow you, and he may have drunk one too many glasses – a bottle, perhaps – of wine. But there is no residual guilt, because every reveller lived it up today. After all, their god Dionysus has blessed the rampage.

The Festival of the Living Dead

The old woman standing beside me dressed in black, grips my arm a little tighter, her glowing grin now replaced with a look of awe as the statue of Santa Marta finally emerges.

“It’s beautiful,” her voice quivers with emotion as the first coffin appears. The animated hum of human activity that seems a permanent feature of daily life in Spain has died to an ominous calm. The only sounds are the birds tweeting behind us and the shuffling of feet on the parched concrete. The coffin draws below us. A woman in her forties lies inside, her bright red trousers dazzling against the perfect white coffin lining. The corpse wriggled a little to get comfortable before adjusting her black sunglasses.

I’m standing among a few thousand spectators to witness one of the more peculiar ceremonies, in a country that has made a name for its oddball rituals. On 29 July each year people gather for the Fiesta de Santa Marta de Ribarteme in a tiny Galician village, surrounded by gentle rolling hills near As Neves. The living, breathing occupants of these seven stout wooden coffins are here to give thanks to Santa Marta for sparing their lives. “A victory of life over death,” local priest Alfonso Besada Paraje explained to me the day before.

The tradition dates back to the medieval ages, maybe even further, and is said to be an example of fervent religious beliefs mixed with the deep superstitions that have survived in the local area to this day.

Galicia is not the Spain most people know from the travel brochures. Forget the arid landscape, paella and bullfighting.

Galicia is a brilliantly green, mountainous corner of the Iberian Peninsula, positioned almost regally above Portugal. A place of stunning but harsh Atlantic-beaten coastline, thick mystical forests and ancient Celtic hill forts.

Outside the church we are immediately befriended by Maria del Carmen, a kind-natured woman of 86 with a gold tooth and hair a deep rust colour. She leans nonchalantly on a metal barrier, a plastic bag swinging from her arm.

“My smart shoes for the church,” she winks at us. I look down at her feet to find a pair of well-worn trainers. I like her immediately.

“My son is buried just around the corner, he’s the one in military uniform,” she gestures to a set of nearby graves and her eyes momentarily mist over, her thoughts deep in the past.

“Life was hard growing up here,” she finally continues. “My husband was a fisherman and he would be away for six to eight months. I brought up the five children alone most of the time.” Spain, in the years after its destructive civil war, was a place of great hardship; a country that had almost obliterated itself and took decades to recover.

“Both of my older sons left the village at 13 to find work – it wasn’t an easy time,” her voice trails off. Yet like some famous Hollywood star she is inundated by a steady stream of friends and family, and her mood remains wonderfully upbeat.

The tiny village is essentially a single road with a small church near the centre, where a large marquee has been erected to accommodate the much larger than normal attendance. Sermons are being held on the hour, every hour, and in truth seem to go on for the better part of the 60 minute intervals.

The fourth coffin is below us when a haunting melody suddenly ruptures the silence. A group close to one of the coffins has burst into an eerie, wailing song. “Virgin Santa Marta, star of the north, we bring you those who have seen death”. It adds a deeply unsettling accompaniment to the slightly macabre visuals.

The procession is led by one of two women choosing to complete the journey on her knees. Two companions each grip a hand to help.

“Seventeen years ago I had a terrible infection in my legs, I nearly lost them,” she had told me before the procession. “I return each year to thank Santa Marta.”

As the crowd moves up the hill they are framed by a stark reminder of the perennial line between life and death. A vivid green hillside stands above, peppered with trees blackened by fires. The previous year, on a catastrophic October weekend, wildfires, fanned by the winds of Hurricane Ophelia, had swept north, decimating much of northern Portugal and huge swathes of Galicia, killing four in the local area and forty-five in Portugal. Though this was unquestionably one of the worst in recent times, wildfires are now almost a yearly occurrence.

Despite the presence of coffins, there is a surprisingly jovial atmosphere – this is Spain after all. They take religion as seriously as they take fiestas – when the two are combined, you’re in for quite an experience.

The procession inches steadily past those choosing to pay their respects safely behind a table groaning with octopus and barbecued meat, and past the children’s trampoline, which provides the unique image of a coffin, juxtaposed with a child flying happily into the air. Two dogs, oblivious to their surroundings, amble casually into the procession to become comically entangled between the legs of the pallbearers.

“Madre mia!” one man hoots loudly while aiming a playful kick at the leading dog, drawing hearty chuckles from those around him.

As the church comes into view again, a young man, gripping one of the Saint’s poles, pulls out his ringing mobile.

“Digame,” (Spanish for ‘tell me’) he exclaims loudly, before chatting nonchalantly for a good minute. Nobody seems to care; he hasn’t caused any offence. Older ladies behind him smirk and playfully shake their heads.

One by one, the coffins arrive back at the church, the pallbearers grunting as they lower their occupants safely back to Earth. A young man in his twenties steps out, straightens his red and black chequered shirt and runs a hand through his casually-styled black hair. He seems unfazed by the whole experience.
“My father and I made a pact that if my grandmother survived her cancer I would come here,” he tells me.

One woman steps out of her coffin, her face already contorting with emotion. She is immediately engulfed by her large family and begins to sob uncontrollably. A year ago her family had attended the service as she lay in a coma after a serious accident. One year later, she is here herself.

The procession wasn’t quite what I was expecting. Moments of real sadness sit alongside those of joy. The people who attend, come not to mimic death but to revel in its defeat – to rejoice in that precious second chance. Those who have faced death, and who have turned away, come to this tiny Galician village surrounded by eucalyptus forests to shout wildly back into the abyss, “Yes, I’m still here.”

As we leave, I spot Maria del Carmen in the distance, sitting comfortably at a table surrounded by her family, one hand clutching a glass of white wine, the other foraging among the mounds of barbecued meat in front of her. There is a look of complete happiness on her deeply wrinkled face.

The world needs more people like Maria del Carmen who will remind you that even though life will beat you down, you should take every chance to sit with your face in the sun, smile, drink great wine, gorge on plentiful ribs and not be afraid to wear comfortable shoes.

Dancing with the Midnight Sun

The midnight sun and the chance to experience everlasting daylight are what brought us this far north. We are in search of adventure and craving somewhere remote, beautiful, mystic and challenging. We have hopes our journey across the open ocean on stand-up paddleboards will allow us to witness the spectacular dance of horizon and sun.

Finding the perfect destination wasn’t easy. We’d considered the Faroe Islands, Greenland and Svalbard, but it was the Norwegian islands north of Tromsø that captured our attention. We knew a 15-day, self-supported SUP journey around the islands of Rebbenesøya, Grøtøya and Nordkvaløyac wasn’t going to be easy, but we never could have imagined just how rewarding it would be.

The water is cold in the 70th Parallel, far into the Arctic Circle, the days are never-ending and the adventure is pumped up to max. Our SUP experience so far is limited to the lakes of Switzerland, but Norway takes it up a notch. To paddle the open ocean, standing on our own inflatable island of just three metres by one, with our gear strapped to the board, raises several unknowns. Are we going to sink or get blown away? Will paddling be so difficult that we can’t make progress?

As our SUPs hit the near-freezing water on day one, a feeling of unease runs our nerves a little ragged. The weather plays a critical role, but thankfully we’re blessed with calm seas, a gentle breeze and warming sunshine. It’s a chance to get a feel for the boards loaded with food, camping gear, clothes and photography equipment.

In the beginning, we monitor the weather closely, using apps that are updated hourly and pinpoint our exact location. Our days are filled with riding the ocean swell as it rises and falls. Hours pass as we stare at the blue-hued mountains approaching in the distance and the physical challenge becomes draining, but there is no chance to stop. We are surrounded by water, which holds no mercy for surrender. We have no choice but to paddle on.

Occasionally, we check our phones for reception. If the weather is going to change we need to be vigilant, otherwise we could be in danger of getting blown out to sea. SUPs don’t handle wind very well and it doesn’t take much of a headwind to stop progress. If it really turns nasty and starts blowing offshore, our closest landmass is Greenland, 1500 kilometres away – if we’re lucky.

It’s not all weather-watching, though. On a trip as long as this, we have many hours to immerse ourselves in the surrounding nature. The commotion of the city fades behind us and it’s replaced by the sounds of Mother Nature. Even when the waves aren’t lapping against the board and stillness takes over, there is always a far-off cry of a bird or gentle splash. When the seas grow rough, nature amps up the volume as if to tell us it’s time to be aware.

The midnight sun is elusive. As evening falls, the clouds stretch their way across the horizon, creating an impenetrable wall for the ball of light. Sure, our evening is clear, but the shy sun disappointingly hides behind the clouds. We still have 15 days ahead of us, and nature heeds no call to a wish.

Surrounding us is the rugged Norwegian landscape, shaped by the winter winds. The cliffs are dark and powerful, and their jagged edges drop vertically to the sea. It’s as intimidating as it is mesmerising. We realise, at this moment, we are weak in the face of such power and so small in these surroundings. This landscape is certainly delivering the adventure we sought.

Although we’re paddling around three main islands, there are hundreds of smaller ones, too tiny to earn a mention on our maps, scattered like shells on a beach. They seem to huddle together as if seeking protection and draw us nearer as we seek the same. Most of the islands are low-lying, free of trees and surrounded by rocks with the odd sandy cove to entice the weary traveller. The flowers on the islands know this is their chance too. They have been dormant, covered in a blanket of snow so thick and suffocating it seemed almost unlikely they would ever see light again. But their blues, yellows and purples now cluster low, escaping the fierce winds of the Norwegian Sea. Waking each morning to a field of beautiful colour heightens our senses and excites our spirit.

Camping reveals the beautiful coves, islands and rocky outcrops, and there’s not a person in sight. Being on SUPs allows us to move close to the shore to find the best spots to pitch a tent for the night. Once we tie down our boards together to ensure they aren’t blown away in our sleep, we turn to dinner. Norway is famous for its fishing and marine life, but unfortunately for us, fish swim in abundance during winter, while at this time of year, in the summer months, there’s just the occasional small cod to be caught. We feast on mussels at low tide and eat fish most nights, supplemented by our dehydrated packaged food.

As we approach the end of our first week, the weather ups its intensity and slows our progress. The calm seas and blue skies pass, but we are racing a deadline and need to keep pushing – hunkering down in our tents for a week while we wait for the winds to pass would create a problem down the track. They are so strong it feels as if we are barely moving and, at one point, we end up kilometres away from our destination. Doubts start to creep into our minds and while we are comfortable on the boards, we start to see the wind as the enemy. Our arms begin to tire and our minds are just as exhausted, constantly reminding us to beware of ending up in Greenland.

The weather is unforgiving, and as the days pass, it grows more and more dangerous, forcing us into a two-day layover. We make the most of the opportunity and explore the inner islands, swapping our paddles for hiking boots. As we reach the top of cliffs, we’re rewarded with the most spectacular view of Norway. The wind whips the grass, as if trying to pull its roots from the soil and our breath is almost entirely stolen, due to a combination of the hike, the wind’s ferocity and the view before us. As we maintain a healthy distance from the edge of the cliff for fear of the wind toppling us over, deep menacing clouds present themselves on the horizon, threatening to dump their freezing water within minutes. We watch on as the sun pokes its way through, shining its hopefulness, before being suffocated by the next grey mass in what seemed like a never-ending game of peek-a-boo.

Of all the land masses that cross our paths, it is the small island of Sørfugløya that really inspires. What it lacks in size, it makes up for in grandeur. It is dark and powerful, and has us spellbound with its vertical walls rising from watery depths. The sun’s rays expose the cliff’s scars from years of heavy winter winds. Its pyramid silhouette shimmers against the backdrop of the evening sky like a mirage. As it’s a bird sanctuary, camping is prohibited on the island and it seems almost lost in the space between the waves. We have made it to the westernmost point of our trip and, as we continue, Sørfugløya becomes the backdrop of many of our photos and keeps us company in our tiresome paddles.

When calm finally sets in again after days of storms, we have to make up for the lost time. We paddle hard, our bodies yearning for rest and our food supplies running short. Often our thoughts drift with the Arctic terns as they skim the swells synchronised to the ocean’s peaks and troughs. One could watch these amazing birds for days. They are the ultimate travellers, covering more than 64,000 kilometres each year as they travel from pole to pole.

Throughout history, the Norwegian Arctic region has played a special part in polar expeditions. Amundsen, like the Arctic terns above, also undertook a famous journey from the northern Arctic to be the first to the South Pole. His travels are admired, documented and made legend.

We came to the Arctic with less ambition, but a similar fascination about experiencing life under the midnight sun and feeling 24-hour daylight. It isn’t until our last day that the weather decides to take our side. As our aching bodies paddle towards our final destination, aching for relief, the blue sky pushes through the clouds as if drawing a curtain to make way for the sun. Nature was finally granting us our wish. 

CUBA One, Two, Cha Cha Cha

Because your resolution… happened when you saw a Snapchat of yourself doing the chicken dance at 2am at the work Christmas party.

It’s easy to spend a week exploring the back streets of Havana’s Old Town, sipping mojitos and watching kids in high-stakes games of soccer, but if you want to take home something other than a Che Guevara t-shirt, sign up for a five-day course at La Casa Del Son. For two hours each day, you’ll sway your hips to the beat and learn some of Cuba’s traditional dances, including the rumba and salsa. Even if you’ve got two left feet and failed to master the basics of square dancing in primary school, these private lessons will have you skimming across the dance floor in no time at all.

About US$120 for 10 hours of private dance tuition.
lascasonadelson.com

ARGENTINA The Simple Life

Because your resolution… is to mount a horse like John Wayne and learn to live off the grid.

If your travel dream is to feel at home on the ranch, an internship at Estancia Ranquilco, a huge property in the northern Patagonia region of Argentina that stretches all the way to the High Andes and the border of Chile, will have you ridin’ and ropin’ like an old cowpoke. The two-month course, taken in summer between January and March, is a crash course in living on the land, with connection to the outside world almost non-existent. Expect to leave not only having mastered the basics of horsemanship, but also able to pack a mule, butcher a goat, tend to the garden and cook for a crowd. After all, when you’re this far from the big smoke – it’s a three-hour ride to the nearest city of Zapala – it’s not like you can duck to the supermarket or local cafe.

About US$3300 for two months in a shared room, including meals.
ranquilco.com

UK BMX Bandit

Because your resolution… is to make something with your own two hands for a change.

More and more people are taking to the bike paths of our cities to save themselves time and money and do their part for the environment. Add a notch to your green belt by taking a weekend to construct your own bamboo bike during a London sojourn. At James Marr and Ian McMillan’s Bamboo Bicycle Club in Stratford, you’ll choose your materials then be guided through how to cut and shape the bamboo tubing, create mitre joints and complete your bike frame. You can custom design any style of bike you fancy, from a racer to a tandem bike. While there’s an alternative weekend workshop that focuses on the finishing, you can also get a guide to fit the final components at home. Now, that’s a souvenir worth saving room for in your luggage.

About US$590 for the workshop and materials for the bicycle frame.
bamboobicycleclub.org

TURKEY Weave Your Dream

Because your resolution… is to add a creative, yet vaguely useful, arrow to your quiver.

One of the things most travellers mention when they return from a trip to Turkey is their carpet dilemma and how many cups of mint tea they consumed in the process of either negotiating a price or a way out of the shop empty-handed. For a richer experience, sign up for a week-long carpet weaving course. You’ll stay in the village town of Gokpinar, not far from Bodrum, visit the beach and markets, and spend time at a cultural centre with local women learning how to make a small carpet in the traditional manner. Then it’s up to you to take those skills home and create your own masterpiece.

The week-long experience costs US$950 a person, twin share, including accommodation, meals, transfers from Bodrum airport, classes and some excursions.
turkeyclasses.com

INDONESIA Computer Fun and Games

Because your resolution… is to get on the tech train but avoid the inside of a badly lit university lecture hall.

You know what you want from a restorative holiday: a villa with pool, yoga, delicious food, a laptop… Hang on. What now? If you’ve got a Bali break in mind, but you’re tired of late nights in Kuta and mushroom milkshakes, you could kickstart a new career instead. After the Institute of Code’s 10-day web development course, not only will you know what terms like HTML, CCS and Javascript mean, but you’ll actually be able to create kick-arse websites using them. There are mentors on hand so you can develop a small portfolio between soaking up views of rice paddies and sipping on freshly blended smoothies, plus the support continues once you’ve got off the flight home.

From US$3460 for 10 days, inclusive of accommodation, meals, airport transfers, course materials and ongoing support, and daily activities.
instituteofcode.com

GREECE Aye, Aye, Captain

Because your resolution… involves exploring the high seas, but doing it the way you’ve always wanted.

Picture this… You’re on the deck of a luxury yacht sailing from one picture-perfect destination to another. You can go wherever you want – within reason, of course – because you’re in charge. That dream can become a reality when you sign up for Sunsail’s RYA Day Skipper Practical Course. After five days, you’ll graduate with the skills – navigation, passage planning and yacht management – to take charge in familiar waters. Best of all, you can do the course in the stunning Greek islands from the base at Lefkas. Oh, before you sign up you’ll need at least 160 kilometres of sailing (and four hours’ night sailing) under your life vest. The same course is also available in Croatia.

The cost of the course is about US$885 a person, twin share, including transfers, accommodation on board the training yacht, and breakfast and lunch.
sunsail.com.au

GEORGIA Capturing Beauty

Because your resolution… was to never be disappointed in your holiday snaps again.

Imagine returning home from a trip and having your family and friends actually excited to come around for slide night. On this 15-day tour of Georgia, you’ll not only explore the historic cities and captivating landscapes of this former Soviet republic, but also have a local photographer along for the ride, advising on capturing postcard-perfect shots. Take images of traditional weddings, Tbilisi at night, colourful markets and local shepherds as you explore monasteries, Stalin’s steelworks in Rustavi and seventeenth-century fortresses. There’s a wealth of opportunities and you’ll learn how to take advantage of each and every one.

About US$1900, including 15 nights in two- and three-star accommodation, travel arrangements and local photographer guide.
caucasusjourneys.com

FRANCE Sip To Success

Because your resolution… is, unlike most other people’s, to drink more and not feel guilty about it.

Take a gap year with a difference. Head to Bordeaux’s Cafa Wine School and train to become a sommelier. You’ll learn about tasting techniques, study vineyards from around the world, get the lowdown on cellar management, pair drops with suitable dishes and negotiate all the other skills you’ll need to get a job that relies on the grape. For the first 17 weeks, spend your time in the classroom – lessons are conducted in English – before completing a six-week internship, either in France or beyond, and returning to do your exams.

About US$7700, including tuition, tastings and field trips.
cafawine.com

COSTA RICA The Power of Om

Because your resolution… is to give your office job the flick forever and namaste the shit out of the rest of your life.

It’s no huge surprise so many high-flying, stressed-out corporate types gravitate towards yoga. Regardless of the style practised, it emphasises mindful movement, controlled breathing and being in the moment. If you’ve ever wanted to make the most of your power poses and sun salutes, head to Costa Rica, where Anamaya Resort, overlooking the ocean near the beach town of Montezuma, is the dream destination to take your downward dog to another level. For 28 days, you’ll live and learn with your classmates, finishing with a yoga teaching qualification and, no doubt, a completely different outlook on life.

From US$3890 for dorm accommodation, all meals and training (double and single accommodation also available).
anamayaresort.com

INDONESIA Plumb the Depths

Because your resolution… is to go deep, deep down into the ocean powered only by the breath you can hold.

Ask any freediver and they’ll tell you the freedom of finning alongside the creatures of the ocean – manta rays, sharks, turtles – is like nothing you’ve ever experienced. Of course, it takes a bit of practise. Or you can sign up for a two-day course at Apnea Bali, located in the small fishing of Tulamben on the island’s northeast coast, and let the professionals show you how to do it properly and safely. You’ll learn, both in the classroom and the water, the skills you’ll need to get to a depth of 20 metres on a single breath, with all courses adapted to a student’s ability. The jewel in the crown of your two days in the ocean is a freedive on the wreck of the USAT Liberty, a cargo ship that was torpedoed by a Japanese sub in 1942 and now rests in between four and 30 metres of water.

About US$150 for the two-day course.
apneabali.com

ITALY Whey Cool

Because your resolution… to impress dinner guests has been ramped up to Massimo Bottura levels.

Making cheese isn’t that hard – all you need is whole milk and a little patience. But making good cheese is a different ballgame altogether. It can take a lifetime to perfect the craft, and the best way to get a head start is to book a five-day course with Sapori e Saperi in Tuscany. Giancarlo Russo, consultant to Slow Food Italy and cheese buyer, judge and stagionatore (ager), leads the classes along with five local makers, who will reveal the secrets behind traditional methods of creating a range of formaggio, including ricotta, pecorino and stracchino. At other times, you’ll have dinner at the home of a truffle hunter, learn to milk a goat and taste homemade salumi. Expect to stay at beautiful farmhouses and a castle, and return home so inspired you’ll be looking at dairy herds within days.

About US$1675, including four nights’ accommodation and all meals.
sapori-e-saperi.com

SPAIN Do The Stroke

Because your resolution… is to nail the Portsea Swim Classic once and for all.

It’s one thing to swim untold lengths of a pool day after day, but a completely different kettle of fish to take to the open water. If you’ve ever dreamed of giving it your all during the Bondi to Bronte Ocean Swim or the Rip View Swim Classic at Port Lonsdale, you’ll need to do some serious training out in the waves. During the European summer, head for the spectacular Spanish island of Mallorca and Swim Trek’s six-day coaching event. You’ll dip in for swims lasting up to six hours – that’s a qualification swim for anyone wanting to tackle the English Channel – have your technique assessed and attend seminars about nutrition, training and mental preparation. We’re not saying it’ll be easy, but the perfect turquoise ocean and Mediterranean landscape make it all worthwhile.

About US$1110, including five nights’ accommodation, breakfasts and lunches, seminars and fully guided swims.
swimtrek.com

UK Rocky Route

Because your resolution… is to overcome your fears and never get vertigo on an escalator again.

Acrophobia affects about 7.5 per cent of the population, making it one of the most common phobias. For some, the fear of heights stop them conquering Sydney’s BridgeClimb, while others have a problem with staircases. But you can overcome it when you sign up on a two-day course at Will4Adventure. You’ll start inside, discovering the reasons for acrophobia and using neuro-linguistic programming to retrain your brain. Then it’s out into the beautiful Peak District National Park to take on some graduated challenges, from walking up a rocky hill to abseiling down a cliff. For those wanting to take a few more steps, head to the follow up session in Snowdonia where you can reach your height goals. At any point you can choose not to take part, but if you manage all the exercises, you’ll enter a new fear-free stage of your life.

About US$255 for the weekend course, and an extra US$180 for the follow-up session.
will4adventure.com

CANADA Ride the River

Because your resolution… is to be more Bodhi and ride a wave that never ends.

You’ve mastered Bells Beach, cracked your board at Teahupo’o and you’re now on the hunt for the next great conquest. OK, so the standing wave at the Lachine Rapids on Montreal’s Saint Lawrence River may not be anywhere near as challenging as Waimea Bay, but it is very different. Cresting at up to two metres, this half pipe-style break just goes on forever. But this is Canada, and after a couple of minutes, surfers will drop off the wave to let someone else in. If you’re a beginner and find yourself in Canada during the summer, book a day-long lesson that will take you from the nearby bunny wave to Habitat 67 (named after the building in the background). Everyone says this is the easy way to become acclimated to board riding, so nail it here then take your surf skills on the road.

About US$105, including surfboard, helmet and life-jacket hire.
ksf.ca

NAMIBIA Desert Daredevil

Because your resolution… is to prove you’re at least 50 per cent harder than Bear Grylls.

The Namib Desert is a landscape like no other, where seemingly desolate sandy plains and granite mountains shaped by ancient volcanoes are inhabited by wildlife that ranges from elephants to dik-diks. The San Bushman have lived here for about 70,000 years, tracking and hunting animals to survive – they’ve been known to chase kudu for two to five hours until the animal drops from exhaustion. Learn their skills on Wild Human’s seven-night Wild Namibia tour, led by two guide from the  team and accompanied by two San Bushman trackers. You’ll combine running and tracking with desert bushcraft, all while staying in a wild camp and sleeping beneath the stars. This is a chance to develop skills that are part of every humans’ DNA and practise the real reason we can all run (you won’t, however, do any actual hunting). If you’ve been seeking a trip that’s both challenging and memorable, you can stop searching now.

From about US$1575.
wildhuman.com

GUATEMALA The Local Lingo

Because your resolution… is to make yourself a more well-rounded individual while helping someone else.

Plenty of people head overseas to immerse themselves in a foreign language, but you’ll get more than an advanced grasp of Spanish when you enrol in the immersion course with Pop Wuj in Guatemala. As well as spending five hours each day conjugating your verbs one on one with a tutor, you’ll stay with a local family in Quetzaltenango – Xela for short – and can opt to volunteer for one of Pop Wuj’s community projects that focus on medicine, social work and education. Regardless of how you spend your spare time (there are some fantastic hikes in this volcanic landscape), feel content in the knowledge that the dollars you spend at the school assist in keeping these projects viable and allow families in the city to sponsor Mayan children so they can stay in school.

About US$210 a week, including tuition, school activities and full-board
pop-wuj.org

JAPAN Take a Beat

Because your resolution… is to pummel something really hard while avoiding jail.

Beating things senseless is an excellent way to diminish stress and it can be a lot of fun, too, especially if it’s a drum you’re banging with large sticks. In Tokyo, the Taiko Center is the place to wrap yourself in a kimono and make a lot of noise during a drop-in drumming class. You’ll get to know a little about the history of the taiko, learn the basic techniques and master a simple, traditional song, all in the space of an hour. There are two studios – one in Aoyama and the other in Asakusa. If you book for the latter, you’ll be able to bolster your new sense of peace with a visit to the famous Senso-ji temple.

About US$60 for an hour-long group class.
taiko-center.co.jp

SOUTH AFRICA Free Flying

Because your resolution… is to fly free, like a bird, without crashing into the side of a mountain.

Sure, you and all your mates have done tandem skydives, but now it’s time to take the next step. From the cliff tops of Cape Town, you can spend 14 days perfecting your piloting skills and become a licensed paraglider. You’ll take in-depth theory classes but the pièce de résistance is launching from somewhere like Lions Head, where magnificent views of the city and ocean will have your eyes popping as you ride the thermals. You’ll complete 35 flights over 14 days (it can take one to six months to do them all), and pass a written examination before your licence is handed over.

The course costs about US$1240.
flycapetown.co.za

 

Effort vs Reward

It’s 7am and I’m as high as a kite. Higher, actually.

Hot air beats down on me as flames lick the air, puffing up the 32-metre-tall rainbow holding me suspended in this surreal state of being. Up here the world is silent, but if I really concentrate, I can hear the faint jangle of cowbells below.

I’m 2000 metres above the dairy farms and storybook chalets of Château-d’Oex and at eye level with 90 per cent of the Swiss Alps. Heralded as the hot-air ballooning capital of the world, it was here, in Switzerland’s picture-perfect Saane Valley, the Breitling Orbiter 3 – the first balloon to successfully circle the globe – took flight in 1999. Cold air descends from the mountains that encircle the valley to create a unique microclimate that provides top flying conditions year round.

But for me, it’s the effortless beauty that’s hard to beat.

Our pilot, Max Duncomb, points out explorer and adventurer Mike Horn’s house as we glide over chalets made from local pine and sun-tanned like Italian retirees. At our highest point we glimpse the sapphire sparkle of Lake Geneva. Yesterday I sat beside those waters, sipping a jubilant chasselas made by fourth-generation winemaker Jacques Joly among the terraced vineyards that spill down the south-facing slopes of UNESCO World Heritage-listed, French-speaking Lavaux. Today I can see from the peak of Jungfrau as far as Mont Blanc.

“We never know where we’re going, that’s the beauty of ballooning,” Max tells me. “We’re influenced by the mountains.”

Originally from Cambridgeshire, Max started visiting Château-d’Oex 15 years ago and reckons it’s the best place in the world to get high. In 2015 he decided to move here permanently. “I’ve flown in 32 countries, but this is home to me,” he says.

We’ve been airborne for around an hour when things get interesting. While flawless Swiss sunshine is beaming down on us, the light northerly we were riding on has completely carked it. We’re drifting, moving ever closer to a rock quarry that doesn’t look so cushy.

I’m practising the brace position Max demonstrated before lift-off and trying to will the basket down onto a lush green patch in the Sanne Valley below, while our calm leader works his mastery manoeuvring the vent line.

Like it or not, this landing is going to be unconventional – we’re heading straight for a line of fir trees. I close my eyes and brace for impact. A rush of branches, a thud and it’s over. Peering over the side of the basket, I marvel at Max’s skill; he’s managed to land us neatly – and safely – to one side of a barbed wire fence. Our cascading nylon rainbow, that up until a minute ago was keeping us afloat, had luckily deflated just enough to avoid impalement.

The unromantic side of hot-air ballooning no one tells you about is the all-hands-on-deck pack-down – made all the more interesting when you’re in an emergency landing site inaccessible by road. Adrenal glands juiced, I’m calling time for fondue.

At Le Chalet, I regroup with L’Etivaz cheese – a dairy delicacy made by hand in the high alpage (alpine homes) between May and October each year. It’s only my second day in Switzerland and I’ve already come to realise any exertion (already rendered enjoyable in stupefying landscapes) is really just a warm-up – an excuse to enjoy the finer things in life. Seeing the locals’ penchant for slow living, good food and even better wine, it’s little wonder Zurich residents call this region the Greece of Switzerland.

Sufficiently refuelled, I’m now ready for a high of a different kind. I ascend from the banks of Lake Thun to the 1950-metre summit of Mount Niederhorn, this time soaring into the skies by gondola. We whiz past mountain bikers taking the more challenging route to the humble mountain lodge up top, with a front-row seat to the splendour of the snow-dusted Bernese Alps.

Standing on the edge of a paragliding platform that juts out over the Justistal Valley, I meet Pierre, the owner of the lodge, who has lived here for 25 years and admits he prefers it when the clouds are low and only the peaks are peeking out. “You have the feeling here you are in the middle of nowhere and there is nothing,” he says. Sensing he prefers it that way, I leave Pierre in peace with his panoramic view and continue to the summit to bathe in the sherbet-hued sunset.

Early the next morning, I join guide Urs Grossniklaus to hike the backbone of Niederhorn in the hope of meeting some of the locals. Within a few steps we strike gold – a male ibex, teetering on a precipitous ledge. During winter, Urs tells me, the tougher of the ibex can be found on top of the mountain waiting for the snow to blow away so they can get to the grass. Mostly, however, they stay down in the valley near the forest edge. The snow is starting to melt away in the spring sunshine and, as we walk on, we spot three chamois nibbling the grass and speckled snow chickens pecking around purple enzian flowers as golden eagles wheel overhead.

It would be easy to linger here, squirming with awe and jealousy in equal measure as paragliders launch themselves off Niederhorn to surf the thermals down into the spectacular valley below, but I’ve got a date with a celebrity chef on the banks of turquoise Lake Brienz.

Sonja Schilt and her family are fourth-generation farmers in the small village of Iseltwald. So when Sonja was handpicked to appear on the Swiss equivalent of My Kitchen Rules – called Landfrauenküche – and won, it was big news. Although softly spoken Sonja admits she would prefer to just make cheese.

“There were so many journalists and interviews – I don’t like pictures of me,” she says as she serves a platter pile with beef that’s been hot-smoked by her father who lives nearby, mountain cheese from their cellar, and a brioche-like bread called züpfe.

They’ll leave later this week with their 18 cows on an annual pilgrimage to the mountains, where they’ll spend the coming months making up to six wheels of cheese per day. This kind of workmanship has its rewards: my tastebuds can happily vouch for that.

Waving goodbye to Sonja, I sink into a meditation with nature, walking along the lake for a few kilometres to the Grandhotel Giessbach. Repaid by the sight of the foaming, five-tiered Giessbach Falls tumbling down the mountainside to the foot of this grand historic hotel, I sit below an ancient walnut tree and feel the magic the Swiss master painters who ‘discovered’ these falls in the eighteenth century must have felt.

That Switzerland is roughly two-thirds the size of Tasmania, offers 65,000 kilometres of walking trails and is serviced by a rail system that embarrasses most other urban public transport planners, this whole effort-vs-reward ratio is skewed in my favour.

In Lucerne, I ride the world’s steepest cog railway to the 2133-metre summit of Mount Pilatus to hike its trails, then watch teenagers tackle the high ropes course with a panorama of 73 peaks surrounding me as I eat forkfuls of chocolate cake.

On another day I experience a brief affair with the town of St Gallen, before collecting an e-bike at the train station and pedalling part of the perimeter of Lake Constance and across the border into Bregenz, Austria.

Reclining on the banks of the Rhine in the culture capital of Basel on my last day, I watch locals converge with charcoal grills and beer cans, while others brave the first swim of the season, jumping into the Rhine and letting the current carry them along.

It cements my theory that the natural beauty of Switzerland is easily enjoyed for just the price of admission. It’s a place where I’ve received more than my just reward, without any effort at all, really.