region: Europe

Ride a husky-powered sleigh

Climb aboard an Inuit sled and let the huskies do the work on a paw-powered expedition across East Greenland’s desolate hinterland with Pirhuk Greenland Expedition Specialists. The Tunu region, meaning ‘land at the back,’ lives up to its reputation as an area of extreme isolation. There are thousands of kilometres of pristine terrain to explore, against a backdrop of dramatic fjords and glacier-encrusted mountains.

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Put your woollies on, give your four-legged friends the command and set off across the frozen sea. Explore glaciers, cut through powder-white plains and discover remote settlements. Spend your evenings curled up by the heater – yes, there’s one in your tent – and enjoy a front-row view of the northern lights.

Test your vertical limit with ice climbing

Most people think of waterfalls as a refreshing spot to splash around in come summer. But for some, waterfalls are a winter playground to be conquered. Arm yourself with an axe and a rope and scurry up frozen falls, glimpsing water rushing beneath the ice as you climb.

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There’s no better place to give ice climbing a go than the Norwegian town of Rjukan. Often considered Europe’s climbing capital, Rjukan heaves with climbers from December to March. Here you’ll find more than 190 waterfalls to poke your axe into, and are guaranteed to discover a wall of frozen water to suit any skill level.

Adrenaline-pumping bobsled ride

Feel your guts lurch and your body throb with pure adrenaline as you hurtle down a bobsled track in the Latvian town of Sigulda. Used by the Olympic team to train, this run is one of just 17 tracks around the world (only a handful of them are open to the public). Strap on a crash helmet, jump into a four-person sled with an Olympic athlete at the helm and whip through 16 turns, smashing speeds up to 110 kilometres an hour over 1,420 metres of ice.

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You’ll be at the mercy of gravity and your driver as you hit 5 G-force on ‘the wall’, the track’s final corner. Once you’ve experienced the Olympic treatment, finish with a victory lap on the tourist bob to help your heartbeat return to normal.

Latvia

Tired of city life? Then this Balkan beauty might offer a natural alternative to other Euro destinations. While the capital Riga is charm central – it’s hard to resist its medieval Old Town, the Gothic and Art Nouveau architecture, cultural buzz and hip bars and restaurants – you don’t need to venture far to get away from just about everyone. Just outside of town there are pristine, often deserted beaches overlooking the Baltic Sea, while the Gauja National Park has both scenery and adventure. There’s plenty of hiking and cycling throughout the park’s 90,000 hectares, as well as the chance to go bungee jumping above the Gauja River or hit snowy cross-country trails in the winter. Check out the Gutmanala Grotto or take in the some of the spectacular castles and historic monuments – there are more than 500 of them in the park.

Anyone who loves a party will find Latvians leading the charge, especially in this part of the world. There’s a long tradition of folk singing here, and many pagan rituals and festivals have also survived the changing times. The biggest is Jāņi, a celebration of the summer solstice. Worth keeping an eye open for is the Latvian Song and Dance Festival, normally held every five years. About 30,000 people participate, combining trad Latvian song and dance with more modern popular songs.

Après-Ski in the French Alps

There are prettier resort towns in France than Alpe d’Huez, but from a purely practical sense, this has everything you could want – the Alps’ longest black run, the infamous ‘tunnel’ run, good beginner slopes and reasonable prices. Oh, and it’s also one of the best party spots in the mountains.

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Head to La Folie Douce, a spectacular high-altitude club that, unlike many of its counterparts, takes its entertainment seriously. A creative team travels the globe finding the best DJs and performers – musicians, dancers and cabaret stars – and each year comes up with completely new concepts, costumes and productions. It’s the combination of an amazing setting and ever-building vibe that makes this après-ski event just as memorable as your day on the slopes.

Later in the evening you might also want to try Freeride, where the drinks are priced using a stock-exchange model (rising and falling throughout the evening), and there’s a slippery dip to the loos.

Like a Local in London’s Shoreditch

There’s no point following a guidebook. Sure, a book might point you towards the area, but it’s easy to be distracted from the gems by ultimately unfulfilling sights and bars full of out-of-towners (particularly on a Saturday night). For those of us who live here, Shoreditch encapsulates London’s multifaceted soul, from its gritty urban zones overflowing with creativity to the city’s answer to Silicon Valley.

The area is home to the UK’s first cat cafe, Lady Dinah’s Cat Emporium, as well as a mess of bicycle shops, restaurants, markets, canals, parks and pubs. It’s a hub for art and creativity nestled close to Liverpool Street, the stiff-upper-lipped professional centre of London.

Sewing clothes at Sunday UpMarket’s Bobbie & Lola stall.
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Black Cab Coffee Co serves freshly roasted espresso and cupcakes.
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Take Beigel Bake, for example. Sitting at the top of Brick Lane, this dingy, crowded shop, complete with pock-marked linoleum and incredibly rude staff, serves the very best bagels in London 24 hours a day. The salt beef bagel, dripping with mustard, is a meal in itself. Tender slabs of beef are haphazardly slapped within a sweet, warm bun. Nestled in its brown paper bag, it is the perfect ambulatory meal for this crammed thoroughfare. At Brick Lane Market itself, open between 9am and 5pm each Sunday, you’ll find fresh fruit, broken chairs, vaguely disturbing paintings and endless ephemera alongside the shops and restaurants (which are also open during the week). It’s also the home of vintage clothing in London, but you might find yourself searching all day for a gem. Instead, head to a couple of carefully curated options.

In the basement of the Old Truman Brewery you’ll find Sunday UpMarket. Racks of unique if occasionally musty items tussle for attention beside newer accessories. The price tags on the bags, fur coats and velvet dresses here may be slightly higher than out on the street, but you’re also far more likely to find something you can’t leave behind.

For those who can’t abide all that pre-owned stuff, there’s Backyard Market, just opposite. New designers – some stocked in stores like Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters, others who’ve only been selling their wares for a couple of weeks – line the covered, yet airy space. At Backyard you can also get a haircut, buy prints direct from artists and find jewellery you can be guaranteed won’t be seen on anyone else.

You could find a treasure at Brick Lane Market.
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When you need reviving try Black Cab Coffee Co, where owners Graham Buck and Emmy Osman serve their own blend of South American beans from the back of a quintessential London taxi. The silky, almost honey-scented roast goes perfectly with the tiramisu cupcakes made by Graham’s mum.

It may seem odd to suggest, but one of the best restaurants in an area lauded for Indian food does, in fact, serve classic dishes from across the Channel. Chez Elles Bistroquet, towards the end of Brick Lane, offers beautifully simple cuisine in an over-the-top, flag-flyingly proud French cafe. The staff and clientele of Chez Elles all speak French and will assume you do too. Pick up a gossip magazine, sip an espresso and eyeball your chic neighbours. It’s certainly cheaper – and closer – than a trip to Paris.

Once you’re buzzing on all of the coffee and cake consumed during the day, move on to Shoreditch’s legendary night-life. Close to Old Street there is a plethora of bars and clubs to while away the night, but for something special try Happiness Forgets. Located in a basement, it’s tiny – really tiny – but don’t be dissuaded. The stunning cocktails are made by experienced barkeeps who may not look kindly upon an order of vodka and coke. After all, the bar’s slogan is ‘Great cocktails, no wallies’.

Beigel Bake serves ’em up 24 hours a day. Click to view gallery

For great beer there’s only one choice: BrewDog. The independent Scottish brewery, founded in 2007 and with bars spreading around the world, offers a staggering array of bevvies you’ll have never tried before. Pull up a stool in the vintage-tiled, laid-back space and try pints with names like Punk IPA and 5am Saint (an amber ale and my personal favourite). More comfortable seating can be found downstairs in the New Orleans-inspired UnderDog, a craft beer and cocktail bar behind a secret door. Head here for honky-tonk piano, a ‘voodoo’ corner and dancing past the witching hour surrounded by snakes in jars.

Avoid at all costs the men with menus along Brick Lane who will try to lure you into an Indian restaurant with promises of mates’ rates or free booze. Invariably, these places put too much sugar and too little seasoning in their food. If you’re going for an Indian, you’re going to Dishoom. I’ll confess, I’ve never been one for biryani and butter chicken, but Dishoom is a revelation. Everything on the menu, from chilli cheese on toast (a Bombay classic, apparently) to the mind-blowingly delicious masala prawns, served with a pomegranate, tomato, mint and tamarind salad, bursts with elegance, simplicity and freshness. Eat it all with your fingers, just like a local.

Like a Local in Belgrade’s Savamala

Street artist Branko Tešević. Image: Nick Johns-Wickberg
It takes a while to find your bearings in the noodle soup of Savamala, Belgrade’s enigmatic waterfront district. Streets wind up and down hills and along the curves of the Sava River, crossing each other at random before snaking off in altogether different directions. A route that promised to take you to the city centre might suddenly change its mind, leaving you back at the river and facing another steep, confusing ascent. Even more unnerving are the street signs in Cyrillic script: harsh, heavy characters that defy decryption by unfamiliar eyes.

Like many of Belgrade’s residents, I’m an adopted local. When I was three, my parents and I escaped a besieged Sarajevo and relocated to Zlatibor, a pretty town in southern Serbia where the conflict seemed a world away. At the age of 18, I left those rolling hills for the big smoke and quickly found myself immersed in Savamala’s street-art scene. In the seven years since, I’ve seen a huge transformation, as the area, once considered the ugly junkyard by the train station, has become Belgrade’s vibrant artistic hub.

Savamala is just a few minutes from Republic Square, the true centre of the city. Start at the horse statue – Belgrade’s best-known meeting place – and head up Knez Mihailova, the posh main drag that leads to Kalemegdan Fortress. Before you reach the imposing castle, deviate into one of the many alleys to the left, weave through the bustling Zeleni Venac market and head towards Brankov Bridge. There’s a staircase leading to the heart of Savamala, but while you’re here make sure you duck round the corner to check out the Blu mural, one of the city’s most famous graffiti works. It’s probably a beautiful metaphor for how corporate society is destroying the earth. But who knows, maybe it’s just a man with bad teeth eating some broccoli.

Republic Square at dusk. Image: Jorge Láscar / flickr

Head back to the stairs and descend past Jazz Bašta, a hip little bar tucked away in a courtyard just off the staircase. Known for its sweet cocktails and even sweeter tunes, it’s the perfect hangout for locals who are prepared to pay an extra hundred dinars (about US$1) for some quality drinks and a bit of privacy. Just a few steps down is Gnezdo Organic, one of the city’s few organic restaurants and surely one of its best spots for modern dining. The menu is a refreshing alternative to the typical Serbian fare of meat, meat and more meat, offering vegetarian options like risotto and tagliatelle, as well as a range of liver-cleansing fresh juices. Those struggling to find meat-free options should also check out Radost Fina Kuhinjica, an excellent vegetarian restaurant within a stone’s throw of the fortress.

At the bottom of the staircase is a graffiti tribute to Robin Williams that popped up just days after the late comedian’s passing and gained instant fame online. Next to it is a particularly large mural. Actually, a few friends and I were paid by Converse sneakers to work on it. But please try to see it as art, not advertising.

The eye-catching murals of Mostarska. Image: Nick Johns-Wickberg
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Street art among the ruins. Image: Nick Johns-Wickberg
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The next block contains some Savamala icons. Chief among them is Mikser house, a conceptual art gallery, cafe and bar rolled into one. It’s known as the birthplace of Savamala art culture and is as popular today as it ever was. Just up the road are the twin clubs Mladost and Ludost (‘youth’ and ‘madness’ respectively in Serbian). They’re good for a big night out but are quite pricey and can get very crowded. Those looking for a more chilled-out option should head around the corner to KC grad, which has a spacious but well-hidden beer garden that’s perfect for some arvo brews. While you’re there, pop next door to Španska Kuća, a semi-collapsed building that’s been transformed into an open-air gallery.

Stop for a drink at oh-so-trendy dvorištance, the bar behind the wooden gate on the bend of Braće Krsmanović St. You can come here to rub shoulders with Belgrade’s coolest crowd or you can just drink until the next train passes on the tracks outside (are there ever any trains?). My friends and I like coming to places like this, but at the moment it’s a rare treat; the economy is tough and the government gives practically no funding to artists like us. So most of the time we just hang out in the park with a few beers and good company.

The street just around the corner – Mostarska – is perhaps the most striking in the city, purely for its graffiti. Colourful wall-to-wall art on either side gives you the feeling you’re walking through a real-life comic book. Actually it’s very recent; during the Mikser Festival in June last year, artists transformed the bland street into something memorable. Now the once-empty walls seem almost alive with astronauts, acid-trip brain goblins and swarms of cats.

The chilled-out beer garden at KC Grad. Image: Luka Knezevic – Strika
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Sleek design at Mikser House. Image: Supplied
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Unfortunately, nowadays in Savamala there’s an elephant in the room. Actually, it flaps in the breeze above you; a row of big blue flags on which is written ‘Belgrade Waterfront’. These flags signify the Serbian government’s deal with a property developer to transform Savamala into an upmarket residential zone over the next decade. For artists like us, it stinks. Not long ago Savamala was a ruined area, so we came here and transformed it into what it is today. Now that it’s back on the map, the government sees the potential for profit and has stepped in to make a quick buck. They will move us from the place we made our own and, if they get their way, replace our art with soulless buildings. But if and when the time comes, we’ll go somewhere else and our expression will not be muted.

Nobody knows what Savamala will be like in 10 years’ time. That’s why you should come here now, to experience the heart and soul of one of Europe’s most interesting cities while it’s still in its prime. And if you decide to give a big blue flag a touch-up with some spray paint, well, I wouldn’t blame you.

Serbia

Serbia’s history, both its recent and not-so-recent, hasn’t been the easiest, so tourism was never high on the list of priorities. Thankfully, this hasn’t stopped the country from being one of the most exciting destinations in Europe, where high culture is all around and the next party is about to kick off at any moment.

Capital Belgrade has a certain charm, particularly in the areas along the banks of the Danube and Sava. There are lots of museums, from military to ethnographic, to explore, and a legendary nightlife. The refurbished ferry terminal is home to hip restaurants and bars. Then there are the clubs, which have a reputation as being the best in Europe. Divided into seasons – inside in winter; outside, usually on barges on the river, in summer – they’re incredibly popular, so you should reserve a table if you want to get in.

After all those late nights, a visit to one of the country’s famous spa towns – Banja Koviljača or Vranjačka Banja, for example – for bathing in the waters and wallowing in the mud might be just what you need.

Novi Sad might be best known for the EXIT Festival, one of Europe’s biggest music events, but it has plenty of other attractions to boast about. During summer people pack the Štrand, one of the beaches on the Danube, and a walk up to the Petrovaradin Fort, which dominates the cityscape, is a must for the view. The oddly named Chinatown is the city’s artistic precinct, with live music venues, skate parks and alternative clubs.

 

Floating with Giants

In the open sea, waves lap at eye level making it difficult to focus. Between slaps of water I see a giant black dorsal fin cutting through the water directly towards me. The unforgettable shape, ingrained in my mind thanks to countless movies, triggers a primeval instinct to get out of there and fast. My heart is pounding so hard it threatens to burst out of my chest, but then I take a deep breath.

This is no predator. Growing to more than 10 metres long and weighing as much as a bus, basking sharks still have the capacity to inspire terror as they swim these temperate waters scooping up plankton with their vast mouths. But, really, these are the gentle giants of the ocean.

Generally Scotland’s travel reputation involves malt whisky, Edinburgh Festival, medieval castles and Hogmanay, but the waters surrounding the Hebridean islands on its west coast harbour world-class marine life. This underwater display peaks in the summer, when the sea fills with minke whales, numerous species of dolphin, diving puffins, large seal colonies and basking sharks. Scientists using satellite tagging and sighting studies have only relatively recently got a handle on the sharks’ movements and, as it turns out, the numbers here are incredible. Ask the locals though and they shrug in a nonchalant manner: “Aye, there are hundreds of them laddie. Ahh need tae slow ma boat doon tae avoid them.”

Plankton hoover: the whale shark’s metre-wide mouth is an eating machine.
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Although there are a number of whale- and dolphin-watching operators in the region there is only one dedicated shark-swimming operator. Basking Shark Scotland is located in Oban, a quaint fishing town with the obligatory distillery, ruined castle and friendly pubs. In the summer season the town bustles with tourists delighting in its coastal charm, but I’m here for what lies offshore. Accompanied by just 10 other excited travellers, I’m met by the operation’s enthusiastic owner, Shane Wasik. Once aboard the high-powered cabin boat we’re issued seats and lifejackets and briefed on the action-packed itinerary.

Taking off, we cruise through Sound of Mull, passing Rubha nan Gall lighthouse, built by Robert Louis Stevenson’s father, Thomas, and a Clan Maclean castle perched on the cliff. It’s a typical Scottish coastal scene: high mountains on either side of the sound, porpoises cresting around the boat, seals basking on rocky skerries and gulls soaring overhead. After an hour or so, a shout goes up from the viewing platform – a white-tailed sea eagle has been spotted up ahead. Eyeing us from an elevated cliff-top ledge, it soon returns its attention to the surrounds, scanning the area searching for its next meal. Suddenly, it spreads its wings and we see the giant bird in all its glory as it glides off into the forest. Shortly after we make a stop in the village of Tobermory, made famous locally by the kids TV series Balamory. Its waterfront is dominated by pastel- coloured buildings hosting a variety of highland craft shops, B&Bs, pubs, restaurants and a large distillery – in fact, everything you could want in a main street. But we’re here only briefly since there are bigger fish to fry, so to speak.

A great beast swims near.
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The geological formations at Fingal’s Cave.
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We leave the sheltered waters of the Sound of Mull and skipper Cameron points the bow towards a distant island on the horizon. Shane gives us a briefing on what we should be looking for – telltale triangular dorsal fins on the surface and sometimes the tip of the tail or nose. As the sharks feed at the surface, we only have to snorkel to see them. It’s really no different to exploring a coral reef, except it’s a bit cooler in the water and the wetsuit is a little thicker – seven millimetres to be precise, with matching boots, gloves and hoods.

The boat pulls in among a group of idyllic uninhabited islands. The sea’s sandy bottom allows the sun to turn the water a brilliant emerald green. With little human influence, it’s amazingly clear and unpolluted.

As we get our gear on, it takes everyone on the boat a moment to notice the rather large welcoming party. Our anchoring spot is a seal colony and more than 20 of them have surrounded the boat. I flop over the side and into the water, the frigid shock making me take a deep breath, but I soon warm up and any thoughts of the cold disappear. As we fin towards a white sand beach, the seals flit back and forward. Their large puppy-dog eyes watch our every move and their barrel rolls and somersaults easily outmanoeuvre our clumsy swimming. We spend a good hour – it seems like five minutes – with the seals before it’s time to move on. Back on board, home-baked treats and hot chocolate are handed around as we prepare for shark watch.

Duart Castle on the Isle of Mull is the ancestral home of Clan Maclean.
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Binoculars in hand, Shane keeps watch at the stern as we all peer out the windows. Cruising down the coast again, the boat pulls in to little bays and inlets hoping for signs of our monster targets. As we’re getting comfortable in our seats, the shout goes up. “Shark!” Sure enough, a hundred metres off the bow is the unmistakable shape of a dorsal fin. “You’re gonna need a bigger boat,” someone jokes. Smiling, Shane notes the shark is probably between seven- and eight-metres long, and since the boat is just 11 metres in length, they may be right.

The sharks in these waters are heavily protected and there’s a strict code of conduct for those interacting with them. The crew watches this one to determine its behaviour and the boat is positioned away from its path. We are split into groups and four of us, with our guide, slip into the water with minimal splashing. As we venture onto a collision course with the shark, Shane’s words reverberate in my mind: “Stay close, nice and quiet at the surface, no splashing. Let the shark come to you.”

As the dorsal fin gets closer and closer, the butterflies in my stomach begin performing acrobatics. This is a very big fish and, due to the plankton bloom, underwater visibility is limited. Suddenly, its gigantic mouth appears, and it looks as though at least two of us would fit in there. The shark moves slowly but purposefully in a rhythmic motion as it glides through the water. Closer and closer it comes, and I feel as though I’m going to be scooped up like Jonah until, at the last moment, it sweeps past, literally within touching distance. I freeze as the grey-brown mass of mouth, body and fins passes. Its full eight-metre length seems to go on forever; then, as quickly as it appeared, the shark is gone. But it’s an experience I’ll remember forever.

Roll Over, Moldova

Huh?” says the young woman at Heathrow airport currency exchange. “You want what?” I repeat my request. “Never heard of it. We’ve definitely not got any of them.” To be honest, I would have been disappointed if they did have a wad of Moldovian leu behind the counter. It’s not every day you need some dough in the currency used by Europe’s least-visited country, and I’m savouring the moment.

I’m still ridiculously excited at the thought that Europe has a genuinely secret corner left to explore. Of course this 59-country continent, swarming with 742 million busy people and bubbling with myriad languages, cultures and customs, will never be short of surprises. I’m not going to pretend I’ve done anything other than scrape the surface during previous forays, but to discover an entire nation I know nothing about is nothing short of brilliant.

As the plane skims over the Transylvanian Alps, I contemplate the figures. Apparently Moldova gets just 9000 visitors a year – some 
semi-professional football clubs do better than that on a good Saturday afternoon – and half of those come from Romania, next door.

Ostensibly I’m here to check out Moldova’s National Wine Day festivities. But I intend to look a lot deeper into the glass than that – to try and discover how a country in the midst of one of the busiest, most travelled-to and written-about continents on the planet manages to keep its head so far below the parapet.

A local shows off his new set of wheels.

Does this anonymity occur by accident or design? Maybe Moldova is deliberately keeping quiet having seen the fate of fellow former Eastern Bloc countries like Bulgaria, which now has the dubious distinction of being Europe’s bucks-party mecca. Or perhaps it simply isn’t interesting enough to lure visitors.

Approaching Chişinău in a taxi, I begin to worry it might be the latter. The entrance to the capital is between two big, brutal, Soviet-style apartment blocks forming a rather grim giant gateway. The city that greets you on the other side is, at first glance, 50 shades of concrete grey.

Within 24 hours, however, my view has been turned inside out. I find myself in the Cricova wine cellar, deep beneath the hills outside Chişinău, in an extraordinary limestone labyrinth that extends for somewhere between 60 and 120 kilometres, depending on who you listen to. In my slightly shaky hands is a bottle of wine from Vladimir Putin’s personal stash, and I’m getting an insight into what really makes Moldova tick.

No one seems entirely certain how far these state-controlled vaults really go, and the cynic in me suspects they’re a little too elaborate and well finished for simply storing wine. The tunnels are so extensive and wide we’re exploring them in a van. As we speed along subterranean streets named after various varietals, and whizz past thousands of mysterious shut doors, my mind boggles. What’s behind them all? Secret weapons of mass liver destruction? An elite army of winemaking Oompa Loompas?

In Trebujeni, a local folk musician coaxes a mean riff from a fancy cushion, otherwise known as a zaqq.
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Effervescent oceans of sparkling white wine are made in this underground city, with workers turning each bottle by hand, using Dom Pierre Perignon’s genius méthode champenoise. Just about every other kind of varietal is present too, including local specialities such as Feteasca.

Bulgaria might attract the beer-drenched bucks’ bashes, but Europe’s rich and powerful come to party in Chişinău, it seems. Putin celebrated his fiftieth birthday in this very cellar, and next to his stash of valuable vino I spy a collection with German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s name on it. When Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin came on a sampling tour here, he emerged bleary-eyed a whole two days later.

I’m treated to a tasting session and soon see why Gagarin was so reluctant to return to Earth. I’m sipping the elixir of the gods. How have I never heard of this place or its plonk before? The quality of Moldovan wine never used to be such a secret – Queen Victoria always had a bottle of Negru de Purcari at the royal table – but these days, I’m told, all the good stuff gets gulped down by the Russians.

Emerging into the arms of the day, I head back to downtown Chişinău, which looks far more colourful now the wine festival is in full flow. While politicians, plutocrats and celebrity spacemen like to sip fine wine in the privacy of an underground cellar, 
this vino-soaked shindig is a proper proletarian affair.

Moldova’s larger labels are here, but much of the wine being drunk in the streets has arrived almost straight from the vine, via old-school presses. It’s cloudy and delicious – organic grape juice with a punch. In parks and on corners, traditionally dressed folk musicians gather in groups and play, while the crowd wriggles and jiggles and couples spin off to spontaneously dance a reel or two.

If there are any tourists here, I can’t spot them. I certainly seem to be the only person taking photos. Everyone else is just enjoying themselves. It’s the least commercial festival I’ve ever been to, but if Chişinău is short on visitors – even during one of its signature events – they’re virtually unheard of in the rest of the country, especially at my next destination.

Technically, Transnistria is part of Moldova, but the Transnistrians do their best to ignore this fact. They have their own currency, their own army and police force, and to get into the little breakaway state I have to go through a humourless mock border crossing, where an outrageously officious uniformed guard wants to know my father’s middle name. My dad doesn’t have a middle name, but sensing this might cause issues, I make up one.

More arrive on a donkey, and then a group of folk musicians rocks up and performs an impromptu session. One guy teases out a tune on something resembling a cushion.

If all the posturing at the border seems surreal, things soon get even more Monty Pythonesque when I stop at the Tighina Fortress in Bender, on the banks of the Dniester River, and meet Baron Münchhausen.

Münchhausen – a German nobleman and a captain in the Russian army in real life – was famous for his tall tales long before Terry Gilliam got hold of him. He once claimed to have flown over this very fortress riding a cannonball during a battle with the Turks, and to honour his overactive imagination, a statue of the Baron stands proudly outside Tighina’s walls, next to a giant cannonball fitted with a saddle.

The fortress is far more sinister on the inside, where a guide in murderous-looking high heels shows me around a terrible torture chamber featuring iron maidens and a horrific hobbyhorse with a sharpened back, designed to slowly split a person in half when weights were placed on their legs.

A mental image like that can only be erased by a drink, but thankfully it’s seldom far to the next winery in this neck of the woods. We drive through the bucolic countryside that sprawls across Moldova and Transnistria – where people still travel by donkey and cart and live the kind of rural existence that’s almost entirely extinct elsewhere in Europe – to Noul Neamţ.

This is a monastery, not a vineyard, but the tour of the grounds inevitably ends in the cellar, where my charismatic monk-cum-guide Alexi pours mugs of red straight from the barrel. Between slurps, he tells me how the Soviets turfed the monks out in 1962 and turned the monastery into a TB clinic. The holy men in black moved back in when Moldova gained independence in 1990.

While most people in Moldova speak Romanian and identify with their western neighbours, Transnistria looks east, across Ukraine towards Russia. Most people converse in Russian and there has been widespread speculation that Putin might one day pocket the want-away state in the same way he collected Crimea.

If he does decide to move in, he won’t have to do much in the way of redecorating. Hitting the streets of Tiraspol – Transnistria’s de facto capital – is like being transported straight back to Soviet-era Russia. Statues of Lenin stand proudly outside government buildings, where uniformed guards are quick to wag disapproving fingers at anyone trying to take photos. In the absence of a park, children climb all over a decommissioned Russian battle tank that sits in the main square.

Traditionally attired women at the wine festival in Chişinău.
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Alexi, a monk in the Noul Neamţ monastery, pours a carafe of red wine.
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Judging from the bottle collection I saw back in the bowels of Cricova, Putin doesn’t mind a drink, and Tiraspol is famous for producing a fabulous cognac-style brandy called Kvint. No one leaves Transnistria without carrying a bottle with these letters on it, and I don’t intend to break the tradition, especially when I see the price tag (about US$1.50 a litre).

After surviving a minor panic attack while waiting to get back into mainland Moldova – I forgot my old man’s made-up middle name and the grim-faced guard looked as though he’d send me for a ride on the horrible hobbyhorse if he found out I fibbed – my nerves are settled by yet another tasting session at the excellent Purcari winery. This is where Queen Vic’s favourite drop comes from, and the old girl clearly had taste.

My final day in this hidden and enigmatic corner of Europe is spent in one of its most fascinating areas. About 60 kilometres from Chişinău, the commune of Trebujeni is perched on the serpentine banks of the Răut River. As we drive through the ubiquitous fields of vines towards the village, the steep hillside that curls dramatically around the river appears to be honeycombed with holes. When we arrive I discover an incredible hilltop cave monastery, full of holy relics and solemn monks.

Being Moldova, there’s no one else here, but by the time we descend into the village, word has got around and the house we’re staying in is suddenly surrounded by children. More arrive on a donkey, and then a group of folk musicians rocks up and performs an impromptu session. One guy teases out a tune on something resembling a cushion.

Everyone is dancing, singing and swigging cups of wine poured straight from a garden grape press. No one tries to sell me anything. They seem as excited and surprised to have me here as I am to be here. It’s a magical moment. This is what travelling must have been like decades ago. If tourism actually takes off in Moldova, scenes like this might become mere memories. You shouldn’t come you know – you wouldn’t like it.